The Panic Attack that Started My Downward Spiral

My mental health problems began when I was a teenager. One night I suffered a major panic attack that scared the mess out of me and my mom. I honestly thought I was going to die.

I was trying to fall asleep when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this overwhelming sense of terror just enveloped me. My heart was racing way too fast as if I had just finished running a marathon. My hands began to seize up into fists that I couldn’t pry open.

What was going on? Was I dying? I was scared to death and didn’t know why. Why was this happening to me?

I remember my mom telling me that when she placed her hand over my heart to see how fast my heart was racing it felt like “a herd of horses galloping.” She tried to pry open my fists but to no avail.

She took me to the doctor where he diagnosed it as a severe anxiety attack and prescribed me an anti-anxiety medication. This particular medication, however, INCREASED my panic attacks. I was having them multiple times a day! So I was placed on another medicine which seemed to help.

After suffering from these panic attacks, I fell into a deep depression. I couldn’t understand why I was suffering from these attacks. I was in my senior year of high school.  This was supposed to be the greatest year of my high school career. I was on the verge of becoming an adult!

But no, I enjoyed none of that. Instead, I lost so much weight that my sister and my mom were convinced I had an eating disorder but I didn’t. I just stopped eating because I just wasn’t hungry.  My jeans sagged on me, I retreated to my room most days and kept to myself. I hated life at this point.

And the only thing I can say is that the panic attack is what started my downward spiral. And it gets worse….much worse…..but that’s a story for another day.

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Research, Research, Research

I’m currently in the research stage of writing this book. Let me tell you….it’s hard work! I was a little afraid I wouldn’t be able to find much on being a bipolar Christian but I have found TONS of information that has been a huge help to me.

Mental health and Christianity CAN coexist! I, as well as many others, are living proof of this! Mental illness should be treated just like a physical illness. The brain is an organ and it can fail too! This is what people need to realize!

I’ve borrowed many books from the library on writing my first book. I need to know the “ins and outs” of how to write a book. I need to know what to expect when I start this process. It’s going to be lengthy, I am well aware of this fact.

I found a book called “The Business of Being a Writer” by Jane Friedmann that I can’t wait to start!

I’ve also found a couple of books that are similar to the type of book I want to write. It’ll help me get a feel of how to outline the book and how to start.

I’m very excited about starting this new journey. So as I journey into this new adventure please continue to pray for me!

 

I’m Going to Write A Book!

Stephen over at Fractured Faith Blog has inspired me! I am going to write a book! I’ve been wanting to write a book for a while now but I just couldn’t seem to get started. But after seeing Stephen reach his goal with his book, it has inspired me to get started on my dream.

So what is this book going to be about?

I’m going to write about the struggles of being a Bipolar Christian.  A lot of people think that mental health and Christianity can’t coexist but I am here to tell you that they can! Mental health does not discriminate against religion and beliefs. It can affect ANYONE, Christian or not.

So right now I’m strictly in the research phase. I’m going to research, research and research about this topic.

So please, if you would, say a prayer for me as I begin this journey!

Life’s a Struggle but God is Not

 

I’m struggling again. Struggling to find things to write about, struggling with my confidence, struggling with life in general.

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on us and swiping our feet out from under us. We struggle to get back up and that’s just where Satan wants us.

But our God is bigger than our struggles. He’s always there with us, through the struggles, through the frustration and through the doubts.

We need to keep clinging to Him because only He can get us through these rough times in our lives.

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I’ve been out of work for 3 years now due to my health problems. I have been denied social security disability 3 times now.

I am left with no other choice: I must find a way to start working again. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do it, my body is failing but I know God is with me through all of this. And I know He has a plan for me.

Yesterday I decided to go to the mall and visit Barnes and Noble, the store I was working at until I had to quit. I ran into a manager who I worked with and half jokingly she asked me if I could work Sunday. We laughed and then I asked her if they were actually hiring and she said “YES! Go see Lindsey! (another manager)

I wrestled with whether or not I should go see her but in the end I decided to give it a try. So I found Lindsey and she told me to put in my application and she would call me in to “interview” me (meaning she wasn’t going to actually interview me but would just find out when I was available and would put me on the schedule.)

So now I’m waiting on that phone call or email to find out if I’m really going to start working there again.

I’m scared. What if I can’t do it? What if my health starts getting in the way again?

But my God is bigger than all my worries. He’s definitely got this in control even though I feel out of control.

So don’t worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Matthew 6:34 NLT

 

Pray For Prevail Church

Prevail Church is a new church that will be launching in March 2019! I am very happy to be a part of this new church launch!

One of our biggest prayer requests was for us to find a location to meet in! Well, praise GOD! We have a location now! We will be meeting in a local school.

Our beliefs:

Word of God

We believe that the Bible is the Word of God which is completely free of error and incapable of being wrong. It was written by men supernaturally inspired by God and provides wisdom, instruction, and revelation to all who read it.

Trinity

We believe that there is one God revealed in three persons. God the Father is the Almighty Creator who has made everything for His glory. Jesus is the Son of God who gave Himself on a cross to rid the world of the stain of sin. The Holy Spirit is our comforter and leads us into truth.

Sin and Salvation

We believe that sin is the immoral nature inherited at birth that separates us from God. Salvation is a free gift from God for the forgiveness of sins and a reconnection with Him through Jesus Christ.

Baptism and Communion

We believe that baptism is a symbol of the life change that has occurred in your heart after salvation. Communion is a commandment given to those who have placed their faith in Christ to remember the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. Neither are required or necessary for salvation.

Check out our website to learn more!

Prevail Church

I’m Still Here, I Promise!

I know I haven’t been around lately and for that I am sorry. I’ve been dealing with this weird neck pain that radiates up the right side of my head and just pulsates. The doctor called it a tension headache.  

Well this tension headache has been with me for 2 weeks and 2 days. Yes, I’m counting. The pain will subside after applying heat and ice but the pain doesn’t completely go away.  It’s very annoying.  Like right now, it’s a dull ache. I took some Tylenol and a muscle relaxant so that should be kicking in soon. LOL. The muscle relaxant can knock me out. 

I just wanted to let you all know that I haven’t forgotten about this blog, I just haven’t had the strength to get on here. 

If you have a moment say a little prayer that this headache will leave me for good.

 

“You Say Lovely, I say Broken”

This is absolutely one of my favorite songs by Mandisa. I’ve shared it before but I wanted to share it again.

This song has so much meaning.

Time and time again I struggle with why God would choose to love someone like me. And I think we all do that. We all tend to think that our sin is too much for Him to forgive. We aren’t worthy of his love. So why would God choose us?

Because that’s who He is. He’s a merciful God who looks past our insecurities, past our doubts. He loves us unconditionally.

That’s a promise. 🙂

“The Truth About Me”–Mandisa

If only I could see me as you see me
And understand the way that I am loved
Would it give a whole new meaning to my purpose
Change the way I see the world

Would I sparkle like a star in the night sky
Would I give a little more instead of take
If I understood I’m precious like the diamond
I’m a worth no one could estimate
I’m a worth no one could estimate

You say lovely
I say broken
I say guilty
You say forgiven
I feel lonely
Say you’re with me
We both know it would change everything
If only I believed the truth about me

I wish I could hold on to the moments
When my life is spinnin’ but I’m peaceful still
Like a wind you whispered in the silence
And tell me things this world never will
You tell me things this world never will

You say lovely
I say broken
I say guilty
You say forgiven
I feel lonely
Say you’re with me
We both know it would change everything
If only I believed the truth about me

I would sleep better at night
Wake up with hope for another day
I would love even if it cost me
Take a chance and know I’m goin’ be okay
I would dare to give my life away

Oh, I feel lonely
Say you’re with me
We both know it would change everything
If only I believed the truth about me

The Truth About Me–lyric video