Posted in adhd, bipolar, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

A Few Thoughts…

I’d like to take the time to share something that’s been on my heart the past few days. I am currently down with the stomach bug so between binge watching Netflix and reading I’ve been doing some thinking. It’s more of a rant so I’m warning you now. I just need to get this off my chest.

Most of you know that I struggle with fibromyalgia, a chronic illness that causes widespread body pain, fatigue and cognitive difficulties (“fibro fog”) I also suffer from bipolar disorder, ADHD, PCOS, anxiety and depression.

I physically and mentally CANNOT work at this present time. I have applied for disability and have a hearing next Wednesday, June 27th. My lawyer thinks I have a very good chance at winning due to all my health issues.

However, most people look at me and think I’m just being lazy and think I just don’t want to work.

“Change your mindset” they tell me. “You’ll feel better”

It’s not about my “mindset.” I physically cannot work. Don’t you think I WANT to be able to work and provide for myself? Don’t you think I feel ashamed that I can’t provide for myself? That I can’t help out more around the house? It’s downright embarrassing.

You know what though? I shouldn’t feel ashamed about any of this. I have health problems. I didn’t ask for them.

I want people to know how badly it hurts when I’m called lazy.

It’s not laziness. I just wish I could get people to understand this.

The pain is real, folks. And words hurt.

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Struggles of a Bipolar Christian

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

I sit here at my laptop and practically beg for the words to come. I want to write something good….something practical….something that will help someone else.

But the words just won’t come. I sit and stare at the blinking cursor and get agitated because the one thing I used to be good at, the one thing I could always count on was my writing. I used to have the ability to sit down and write til my heart was content.

Now it just feels forced.

I’ve always been told to “write what you know.” A problem I have with that is “what do I know??” “How do I know what I know?”

I am my own worst critic. I’ve been having a bit of a relapse with my bipolar disorder so that coupled with the ADHD is causing me to doubt myself.

Please bear with me as I struggle to get through this episode of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

(pity party table for 1?)

Perhaps I AM having a bit of a pity party. I’m sorry, I will try to do better.


I came across this verse in Philippians that really made me stop and think:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble finding the words. I’m trying to write for ME and not God. I know I’ve recently written about this before but I’m still struggling. Struggling with finding the right words.

An open notebook on a wooden surface in front of a laptop
Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash

I want my words to mean something to someone. I want my words to bring glory to God.

I want my words to point people to Jesus.

But my mind is all over the place. My mind races constantly and getting words out is a constant struggle. It’s taken me forever just to write this post. I’ve written a little then stopped to do something else, come back and written some more.

Can I ask all of you to please pray for me? I know this post has been all over the place but that’s the trouble with bipolar episodes. My mind races and I flit from one thought to the next in seconds.

This is the struggle of a bipolar Christian.

 

 

 

Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, christian living, christianity, Faith, fear, forgiveness, grace, Jesus, love, mental disorders, peace, redemption, rest

Battle for My Mind

Satan is constantly whispering in my ear, “You’re not good enough. You can’t do this. Just give up now.”

My inner voice responds to him “Shut up. You know nothing. Go away.”

Then it goes quiet. Nothing. No voices for a few minutes.

Then comes the voice that I have grown to know and love. The small still voice that is the Lord’s. He tells me I AM good enough. I AM able to do this. Don’t give up.”

I know what voice I need to listen to. It’s obvious. But Satan’s voice then comes roaring like a lion. It’s his voice versus God’s voice. They’re battling for my mind.

It’s a never-ending battle.

A battle for my mind, my heart, my soul.

Who will win?

Who will I LET win?

It’s up to me, really.

Who do I choose? God or Satan?

Heaven or Hell?

I choose God

I choose Heaven

But there are days where my actions clearly choose the opposite.

There are days I give in to temptation. I listen to Satan’s voice.

I forget momentarily who I am.

A child of the King.

I’ve let Him down once again.

But here’s the beauty of it. He will always take me back! He waits for me with arms wide open when I realize the error of my ways. When I realize how foolish I’ve been. When I realize that that missing piece in my heart is just a prayer away.

I’m a bipolar Christian with a desire to bring others to Christ. To help them see the error of their ways. To help them see that the missing piece in their heart is just a prayer away.

Woman sits in the park reading Colossians in the bible
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Being bipolar and a Christian is definitely not easy. I struggle daily with racing thoughts and distractions. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them against me. I try my best to cling to God through these times but sometimes my fleshly desires kick in and I let go and try to go my way.

 

But then I hear His voice, ever so softly, urging me to return to Him. To reclaim the gift He gave me. The gift of salvation.

Redemption for my sins.

He loves me with an agape love. An unconditional love. An everlasting love. His love never fails. Is never rude. Is never harsh. He loves me.

Despite my failures

Despite my shortcomings.

Lord, it is my desire to please you. To live a life that glorifies You. It is my desire to bring others to you. Help me to stop being so scared. To stop being….well, me! You created me. You love me. You know what I can do, even if I don’t.

Lord, you have great plans for me. Point me in the right direction. I want to do Your will. I’m tired of trying to do it all on my own. Especially when we both know I can’t do it all on my own. I need You and I’m begging You to help me cling to You throughout all the hardships I am going through. You are teaching me something, Lord. Help me to understand what it is.

And He loves YOU just as much! He loves YOU the same way. 

Won’t you come to Him?

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, christian living, christianity, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders, Reblog

*Reblog*Leigh’s Interview Feature

Back in December, The Bipolar Writer did a feature on me of what it’s like to be a Bipolar Christian. I don’t know why I didn’t think about sharing this until now but check it out! I think he did a great job!

The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

Imagine.

Being completely out of focus on the world around you. It is impossible to get out bed even for a moment. The struggle to be yourself is real, and the little things in your life seem to be impossible to get done. What do you do? What can you do when depression gets the best part of your day?

Leigh turns to her faith, “If I take a second to breathe and focus on God, I find that I’m able to concentrate better.”

This is the story of a brave soul dealing with the unimaginable depths of her diagnosis. Each of our mental illness stories is unique to each human being in the mental health community. Here is one story—a good one of Leigh S from Norfolk, VA.

brandon-mathis-187060.jpg

If we could walk a day in Leigh’s shoes we would find someone stuck between two worlds. Leigh fights with her…

View original post 1,020 more words

Posted in adhd, bipolar, fear, writers block, writing

Trying too Hard

Hey y’all!

So I have always loved to write. Ever since the 4th grade when we were asked to write about what we wanted to be when we grew up and it was then that I just fell in love with writing.

But here I am, years and years later, with nothing to show for myself. And it’s my fault, I know this. I let myself fall out of love with writing. For years I didn’t write a single thing.

But last year, the Lord prompted me to start writing again. And so I decided to wipe the “dust” from my old WordPress site and revamp it.

But y’all….I’m struggling again. And I think it’s because I’m trying too hard. My mind is blank. Writer’s block has struck again. 😦

I want so badly to fall in love with writing again.

Do any of my fellow writers out there have any tips for me?

Posted in 2018, adhd, bullet journaling

Bullet Journaling

Photo by Estée Janssens on Unsplash

I have discovered the art of Bullet Journaling. (I always come onto the scene WAY after something new comes around,  lol.)  It’s something I don’t know if I’ll be able to do but I’m going to give it a try! I don’t have a creative bone in my body but I am trying to not let that stop me.

My ADHD might be a problem for me but I’m going to do my level best at fighting the urges of feeling fidgety. Another problem I have is that I start losing focus after a while. Who knows? Maybe bullet journaling will help me with focusing! 🙂 🙂

Have you tried Bullet Journaling? If so, do you have any tips (and pics?) for someone just getting started and who doesn’t have a creative bone in their body? LOL. 

 

 

Posted in 2018, adhd, bipolar, christianity, Faith, Jesus, love

Single but Not Alone

See the source imageI will be 35 in June (yuck) and I’m single. 10 years ago this would have bothered me. But as I grow closer to the Lord I have realized that I don’t need anyone BUT God.

10 years ago I was in a relationship that didn’t end well. He essentially broke up with me because of my bipolar disorder. He said he couldn’t handle it anymore. I remember looking at him and crying, “You don’t have to handle this. I have to deal with this the rest of my life. I just need you to BE there for me.”

Nope, he ran. But you know what I said? Fine. And I moved on without him. I haven’t had a relationship since.  Honestly, I have moments, small moments when I wonder if I’ll ever find someone but then I spend time with God and it all goes away. I am content being single. God fills that void.

If I’m being honest, I will say this: I am very self-conscious about my appearance. See, I have very bad dental problems due to my medications causing tooth decay. Fibromyalgia also contributes to my dental problems Half my teeth are falling out. Therefore, I don’t smile much and when I do it’s a closed mouth smile. If something makes me laugh I cover my mouth with my hand. I WILL NOT take pictures anymore because I just can’t stand to look at myself. I have to get dentures but I can’t afford them since I don’t have a job or dental insurance. (Anyone wanna start a GoFundMe page? I’m KIDDING!)

I think that’s the biggest reason why I don’t put myself out there and try to find someone.

I’ve accepted that this is how I am, this is how I look and everything else doesn’t matter.

GOD is all I need and I’m going to spend as much time with Him as I can and in the meantime, if He has someone planned for me, and I meet him, then so be it! But I’m not looking actively for anyone because I want God first in my life. Maybe I’ll be single forever, like Paul was. Maybe I’m not meant to have a significant other because it’ll be a distraction for me. And as we all know, I get distracted pretty easily. (Stupid ADD)

See the source imageI will say this again: God has great plans for me….for YOU….for everyone! If only we would stop, be still and listen to His voice. He’s calling for you and for me……NOTHING can change God’s love for you. 🙂

Posted in adhd, bipolar, mental disorders, random

Dark Side-Kelly Clarkson

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
This is probably my favorite Kelly Clarkson song. LOVE the words and the message. I don’t know why but I woke up today in a “mood.” So I decided to throw on some Kelly Clarkson and this song came on!
There’s a place that I know
It’s not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away
Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody’s got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody’s a picture perfect
But we’re worth it
You know that we’re worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond
From black dust
It’s hard to know
It can become
If you give up
So don’t give up on me
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody’s got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody’s a picture perfect
But we’re worth it
You know that we’re worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Don’t run away
Don’t run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don’t run away
Don’t run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Will you love me? Ohh
Everybody’s got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody’s a picture perfect
But we’re worth it
You know that we’re worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Posted in adhd, christianity, Faith, grace, Jesus, love, mental disorders, Uncategorized

Thorn in my flesh

thorn-in-flesh

Some days are just a huge struggle. Seriously, the struggle is real just trying to get out of bed. My mind races with incomplete thoughts, I’m constantly restless and I just have no energy to function. Welcome to a day in the life of someone with bipolar disorder and ADHD and other health problems.

Is this the result of some unconfessed sin in my life? No, I don’t believe so. Could God heal me completely? Absolutely? But do I think He will? No, I don’t think so. This is my “thorn in the flesh.” God is using my mental illness to draw me closer to Him. He’s trying to tell me that His grace is sufficient.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who believe mental illnesses are the result of a lack of faith or some unconfessed sin. I do not hold this stance.

Why is there such a stigma regarding mental illness in the church? Why are people so afraid of it? Tell me, is having a mental illness any different from a physical illness?

When a person is suffering from diabetes, people have no problem with that person seeing a doctor and being treated for that particular problem. But when a person is diagnosed with a mental illness, there must be unconfessed sin. Either that or the person’s faith is not strong enough.

I had someone tell me that once. When they heard that I was bipolar they actually looked me in the eye and said that my faith wasn’t strong enough. Basically I needed to “pray it away.”

MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES DO NOT DISCRIMINATE! It CAN and DOES happen to every day people. People who are strong in their faith. People who are weak in their faith. People who don’t HAVE faith. It does not matter!

I know for a fact that Jesus loves me unconditionally. Meaning, he loves me despite my flaws, despite my health issues. He loves me.

Do I believe that I could wake up tomorrow completely healed from all my health ailments? Absolutely! But I also believe God uses these things to draw people closer to Him. And that is what He is doing with me.

graceissufficient.jpg

My health problems are my “thorn in the flesh.” I have come to terms with that. God is using my health issues for good. I may not know what that is right now but I have accepted the fact that I’m going to have these health issues the rest of my life. And I grow closer to God every single day. 🙂