Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, disability, fibromyalgia, grace, mental disorders, phobias

Disability Hearing

Well, I had my hearing today to determine whether or not I can get disability. It went fairly well. My lawyer seems to think I have a great case and have a good shot at winning.

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I’ve been so distracted about this hearing and haven’t been able to focus on anything but that.

But now it’s over. And so the waiting game begins……

I discovered a Bible verse last night as I was reading that fit my situation perfectly. It is found in 2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

No matter what the decision by the judge, God’s grace is sufficient for me. He will get me through this and He hasn’t left me for one minute. He’s by my side always.

Another verse I found comforting is found in Philippians 3:20-21:

20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

My body may be failing me right now but soon I will have a new body! My citizenship is not here on earth, it’s in Heaven where Jesus awaits me.

 

How is YOUR day going?

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, medications, mental disorders

Unable to Focus

The struggle is real, y’all.

Lately, I have had the worst time trying to concentrate on things. I want to read, so I grab a book and can’t get past the first page. My mind is wandering all over the place. I want to write a blog post, so I open up WordPress and out comes…..nothing.

(Just trying to write this is painful….my mind wanders and I can’t sit still)

I just can’t concentrate enough to get it done. I’m restless and irritable that I can’t focus long enough to get something done.

Looks like I’ll be having to make a call to my psychiatrist. I was on Kapvay for the adult ADHD but my doctor took me off of it because I was having side effects that I couldn’t handle. We discussed starting something else but I told her I wanted to wait to see if I could beat this on my own. I mean, I know ADHD is not something you can just “beat” but I was confident I could control it.

Boy, was I wrong.

It’s so frustrating.

So please, if you get a moment, please pray for me.

*********

Okay, so I took a break from writing this and guess what I came across? A prayer I had found online and copied onto an index card. Here’s what it says:

Lord, I am wholly devoted to You. I struggle with distractions but my heart wants You. Help me, walk with me, never leave me. I give you my distractions, Lord. Lead me into green pastures, still waters and do life with me, God. I love You, I set my affection on You. You are good and faithful and You will provide for every need I have. I trust You, help me to trust You completely. Let me feel Your presence, let me feel Your love. Thank You!

I’m not sure who wrote out that prayer but I thank them for posting it because it really helped me.

Distractions are going to happen in life, no doubt about it. But I have GOD on my side and He will take care of me when I’m going through these periods of not being able to focus.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

 

Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Ramblings

Although I will not apologize for being sick (because it makes no sense to apologize for something you have no control over), I will apologize for my rant yesterday. I was angry and upset and just needed to vent.

People have told me to “change my mindset.” I’ll admit, it angered me at first but maybe they’re right. However, changing my mindset doesn’t change the fact I suffer from a chronic illness and need help.

I will do my best to be more positive about my situation. I want to be positive. I really do. It’s just a struggle sometimes.

I don’t understand why I must have fibromyalgia and all these other health problems but I know that God is in control and will help me fight these battles.  Perhaps He’s allowing me to go through this so that I may grow closer to Him, reaching out to Him always. To learn to depend on Him always.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you

I Peter 5:7


My disability hearing is June 27th, at 9:15. I am very, very nervous. Because of my age I’m afraid I won’t receive a favorable outcome. I’m afraid the judge will look at me and figure I’m too young and that there are jobs out there I can do. But….there aren’t.

I can’t work retail anymore because I can’t stand on my feet for long periods of time anymore. And in retail they don’t let you sit down.

I can’t work in an office setting because I can’t sit down for long periods of time either. It’s a constant battle. I sit down for long periods of time and I get stiff. I hurt. My knees get totally stiff. I go to stand up and can barely walk.

I’m constantly tired. I actually take naps almost every day because it helps.  I have to remind myself that it’s NOT laziness. I am resting my body. I know what my body needs.

I have a very hard time focusing on tasks. I get distracted very easily and end up getting up and finding something else to do. Then I get bored with that and move on. It’s a never ending cycle. It’s frustrating. But I’m trying hard to fight through it.

I guess what I’m saying is that I will try to change my attitude. It doesn’t change my situation and my problems but it will help get me through the day. I will rely on God more. I will lean on Him for support and trust in Him that He will get me through this.

A verse I’ve been reading nearly every day is found in Mark 11:24:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer,believe that you have received it and it will be yours

Another verse that has been helping me is found in Psalm 37:4:

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I’m praying hard for a favorable outcome at my hearing next Wednesday. But no matter what, I’ll keep trusting my Lord.

GOD is in control! He is with me in this storm and He will see me through. I don’t know the future but God does and He knows what’s best for me. I will praise Him in this storm!

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

–Casting Crowns, “Praise You In This Storm

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

A Few Thoughts…

I’d like to take the time to share something that’s been on my heart the past few days. I am currently down with the stomach bug so between binge watching Netflix and reading I’ve been doing some thinking. It’s more of a rant so I’m warning you now. I just need to get this off my chest.

Most of you know that I struggle with fibromyalgia, a chronic illness that causes widespread body pain, fatigue and cognitive difficulties (“fibro fog”) I also suffer from bipolar disorder, ADHD, PCOS, anxiety and depression.

I physically and mentally CANNOT work at this present time. I have applied for disability and have a hearing next Wednesday, June 27th. My lawyer thinks I have a very good chance at winning due to all my health issues.

However, most people look at me and think I’m just being lazy and think I just don’t want to work.

“Change your mindset” they tell me. “You’ll feel better”

It’s not about my “mindset.” I physically cannot work. Don’t you think I WANT to be able to work and provide for myself? Don’t you think I feel ashamed that I can’t provide for myself? That I can’t help out more around the house? It’s downright embarrassing.

You know what though? I shouldn’t feel ashamed about any of this. I have health problems. I didn’t ask for them.

I want people to know how badly it hurts when I’m called lazy.

It’s not laziness. I just wish I could get people to understand this.

The pain is real, folks. And words hurt.

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Struggles of a Bipolar Christian

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

I sit here at my laptop and practically beg for the words to come. I want to write something good….something practical….something that will help someone else.

But the words just won’t come. I sit and stare at the blinking cursor and get agitated because the one thing I used to be good at, the one thing I could always count on was my writing. I used to have the ability to sit down and write til my heart was content.

Now it just feels forced.

I’ve always been told to “write what you know.” A problem I have with that is “what do I know??” “How do I know what I know?”

I am my own worst critic. I’ve been having a bit of a relapse with my bipolar disorder so that coupled with the ADHD is causing me to doubt myself.

Please bear with me as I struggle to get through this episode of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

(pity party table for 1?)

Perhaps I AM having a bit of a pity party. I’m sorry, I will try to do better.


I came across this verse in Philippians that really made me stop and think:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble finding the words. I’m trying to write for ME and not God. I know I’ve recently written about this before but I’m still struggling. Struggling with finding the right words.

An open notebook on a wooden surface in front of a laptop
Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash

I want my words to mean something to someone. I want my words to bring glory to God.

I want my words to point people to Jesus.

But my mind is all over the place. My mind races constantly and getting words out is a constant struggle. It’s taken me forever just to write this post. I’ve written a little then stopped to do something else, come back and written some more.

Can I ask all of you to please pray for me? I know this post has been all over the place but that’s the trouble with bipolar episodes. My mind races and I flit from one thought to the next in seconds.

This is the struggle of a bipolar Christian.

 

 

 

Posted in bible verses, bipolar, christian living, christianity, Faith, fear, Jesus, love, peace, phobias, rest, worry

From Panic to Peace

A woman with dyed red hair sips from a teacup at an outdoor cafe table
Photo by Dc Lovensky on Unsplash

When I was 17, I started having panic attacks. To this day, I have no idea where they came from. Nothing significant had occurred in my life. They just showed up. Out of nowhere.

 

One night, as I was trying to get to sleep, I had a major panic attack. It was so bad that my hands seized into a fist, my heart was racing super fast and I literally thought I was dying. My mom tried her level best to unclench my fists but she couldn’t. It was miserable. My mom told me later that when she put her hand over my heart, it felt like a heard of horses galloping.

Mom took me to an urgent care where the doctor put me on Xanax, which made my panic attacks worse. So they switched to Klonopin. I was on that for years and for the most part, it kept my panic attacks at bay. I would still have some but they weren’t nearly as bad.

Well, eventually, I had to stop taking the Klonopin because I no longer had insurance and so I couldn’t afford it. I started going to a clinic in my city that helps those who are uninsured and they put me on Lexapro. That stopped working so my doctor put me on Celexa which I am still on. And it works wonders. I still have minor setbacks but they are nowhere NEAR as bad as that one night when I was 17.

But you know what the best medicine is? God’s Word. I find that when I’m feeling even remotely anxious, I just turn to God’s Word and look up Scripture on anxiety.

Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Some people believe that medications are not needed and that just by having enough faith is enough. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe this. When a person has a panic disorder or suffers from depression, there is a chemical imbalance taking place in the brain. In some cases, medication is a necessity, as in my case. I tried to wean myself off my medications once and it was awful.

Photo by Bethany Laird on Unsplash

Some more Scripture you can read if you are feeling anxious:

 

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33-34

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.|
Jeremiah 29:11

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7

 

We live in an anxiety-driven world. But God’s Word promises us that as His children, one day we will live in a peace-filled world! One day He is coming back for us and all of life’s worries will be gone! Can I get an AMEN!

 

Have you ever had a panic attack? What did it feel like to you?

Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, christian living, christianity, Faith, fear, forgiveness, grace, Jesus, love, mental disorders, peace, redemption, rest

Battle for My Mind

Satan is constantly whispering in my ear, “You’re not good enough. You can’t do this. Just give up now.”

My inner voice responds to him “Shut up. You know nothing. Go away.”

Then it goes quiet. Nothing. No voices for a few minutes.

Then comes the voice that I have grown to know and love. The small still voice that is the Lord’s. He tells me I AM good enough. I AM able to do this. Don’t give up.”

I know what voice I need to listen to. It’s obvious. But Satan’s voice then comes roaring like a lion. It’s his voice versus God’s voice. They’re battling for my mind.

It’s a never-ending battle.

A battle for my mind, my heart, my soul.

Who will win?

Who will I LET win?

It’s up to me, really.

Who do I choose? God or Satan?

Heaven or Hell?

I choose God

I choose Heaven

But there are days where my actions clearly choose the opposite.

There are days I give in to temptation. I listen to Satan’s voice.

I forget momentarily who I am.

A child of the King.

I’ve let Him down once again.

But here’s the beauty of it. He will always take me back! He waits for me with arms wide open when I realize the error of my ways. When I realize how foolish I’ve been. When I realize that that missing piece in my heart is just a prayer away.

I’m a bipolar Christian with a desire to bring others to Christ. To help them see the error of their ways. To help them see that the missing piece in their heart is just a prayer away.

Woman sits in the park reading Colossians in the bible
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Being bipolar and a Christian is definitely not easy. I struggle daily with racing thoughts and distractions. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them against me. I try my best to cling to God through these times but sometimes my fleshly desires kick in and I let go and try to go my way.

 

But then I hear His voice, ever so softly, urging me to return to Him. To reclaim the gift He gave me. The gift of salvation.

Redemption for my sins.

He loves me with an agape love. An unconditional love. An everlasting love. His love never fails. Is never rude. Is never harsh. He loves me.

Despite my failures

Despite my shortcomings.

Lord, it is my desire to please you. To live a life that glorifies You. It is my desire to bring others to you. Help me to stop being so scared. To stop being….well, me! You created me. You love me. You know what I can do, even if I don’t.

Lord, you have great plans for me. Point me in the right direction. I want to do Your will. I’m tired of trying to do it all on my own. Especially when we both know I can’t do it all on my own. I need You and I’m begging You to help me cling to You throughout all the hardships I am going through. You are teaching me something, Lord. Help me to understand what it is.

And He loves YOU just as much! He loves YOU the same way. 

Won’t you come to Him?

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, christian living, christianity, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders, Reblog

*Reblog*Leigh’s Interview Feature

Back in December, The Bipolar Writer did a feature on me of what it’s like to be a Bipolar Christian. I don’t know why I didn’t think about sharing this until now but check it out! I think he did a great job!

The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

Imagine.

Being completely out of focus on the world around you. It is impossible to get out bed even for a moment. The struggle to be yourself is real, and the little things in your life seem to be impossible to get done. What do you do? What can you do when depression gets the best part of your day?

Leigh turns to her faith, “If I take a second to breathe and focus on God, I find that I’m able to concentrate better.”

This is the story of a brave soul dealing with the unimaginable depths of her diagnosis. Each of our mental illness stories is unique to each human being in the mental health community. Here is one story—a good one of Leigh S from Norfolk, VA.

brandon-mathis-187060.jpg

If we could walk a day in Leigh’s shoes we would find someone stuck between two worlds. Leigh fights with her…

View original post 1,020 more words

Posted in adhd, bipolar, fear, writers block, writing

Trying too Hard

Hey y’all!

So I have always loved to write. Ever since the 4th grade when we were asked to write about what we wanted to be when we grew up and it was then that I just fell in love with writing.

But here I am, years and years later, with nothing to show for myself. And it’s my fault, I know this. I let myself fall out of love with writing. For years I didn’t write a single thing.

But last year, the Lord prompted me to start writing again. And so I decided to wipe the “dust” from my old WordPress site and revamp it.

But y’all….I’m struggling again. And I think it’s because I’m trying too hard. My mind is blank. Writer’s block has struck again. 😦

I want so badly to fall in love with writing again.

Do any of my fellow writers out there have any tips for me?

Posted in 2018, adhd, bipolar, christianity, Faith, Jesus, love

Single but Not Alone

See the source imageI will be 35 in June (yuck) and I’m single. 10 years ago this would have bothered me. But as I grow closer to the Lord I have realized that I don’t need anyone BUT God.

10 years ago I was in a relationship that didn’t end well. He essentially broke up with me because of my bipolar disorder. He said he couldn’t handle it anymore. I remember looking at him and crying, “You don’t have to handle this. I have to deal with this the rest of my life. I just need you to BE there for me.”

Nope, he ran. But you know what I said? Fine. And I moved on without him. I haven’t had a relationship since.  Honestly, I have moments, small moments when I wonder if I’ll ever find someone but then I spend time with God and it all goes away. I am content being single. God fills that void.

If I’m being honest, I will say this: I am very self-conscious about my appearance. See, I have very bad dental problems due to my medications causing tooth decay. Fibromyalgia also contributes to my dental problems Half my teeth are falling out. Therefore, I don’t smile much and when I do it’s a closed mouth smile. If something makes me laugh I cover my mouth with my hand. I WILL NOT take pictures anymore because I just can’t stand to look at myself. I have to get dentures but I can’t afford them since I don’t have a job or dental insurance. (Anyone wanna start a GoFundMe page? I’m KIDDING!)

I think that’s the biggest reason why I don’t put myself out there and try to find someone.

I’ve accepted that this is how I am, this is how I look and everything else doesn’t matter.

GOD is all I need and I’m going to spend as much time with Him as I can and in the meantime, if He has someone planned for me, and I meet him, then so be it! But I’m not looking actively for anyone because I want God first in my life. Maybe I’ll be single forever, like Paul was. Maybe I’m not meant to have a significant other because it’ll be a distraction for me. And as we all know, I get distracted pretty easily. (Stupid ADD)

See the source imageI will say this again: God has great plans for me….for YOU….for everyone! If only we would stop, be still and listen to His voice. He’s calling for you and for me……NOTHING can change God’s love for you. 🙂