I’m hurting again. I’m exhausted…again. My body is in so much pain that I just want to give up. But I know I can’t. This is a daily battle. It’s a battle that rages constantly, pulling me down with it sometimes. I don’t always win. Today feels like one of those days.
Fibromyalgia. Why must it exist? Bipolar disorder…why must I suffer? I just want to be normal. What is normal though? Does it even exist?
I am not writing this in order to get you to feel sorry for me. Rather I’m writing to get my thoughts out, to express how I’m feeling. But due to brain fog I can’t find the right words to truly express how I’m feeling. I have to save this as a draft, walk away for a little while, then come back. Most of the time that works but today I’m struggling. My brain just doesn’t want to work today.
As I was writing this, Jamie Kimmett’s song “Burdens” came on. Coincidence? I think not! This is ALL GOD!
I don’t have to fight this battle alone. The Lord is with me. He wants me to lay my burdens down, to give everything to Him!
Do not be afraid of the nations there, for the Lord your God will fight for you.
Deuteronomy 3:22
The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.
Psalm 73:26 is one of my favorite verses. It says,
My health my fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. (NLT)
No matter what the doctors diagnose me with in the future, no matter what they’ve already diagnosed me with…it doesn’t matter because GOD remains a constant in my life. Like the verse says, He is MINE forever! I never have to worry about Him leaving me. I never have to worry about Him forsaking me. He is mine forever!
I had another MRI of my head on Monday. (Praise God I got through it…well, with some help from Lorazepam, LOL. No matter how many MRIs I have, the claustrophobia NEVER goes away!) Anyways, my new endocrinologist is checking to see if my pituitary tumor has returned. My prolactin levels indicate that it possibly has.
If it has, it has and we will work together to come up with the right treatment plan. These type of tumors are usually benign and will shrink with medication. It CAN be removed and I’ve been thinking about asking my doctor if that’s a plan we might come to. This type of surgery will require them to remove it……wait for it….through my nose! It’s much less invasive, obviously, than having brain surgery.
Most likely, we’ll try to treat it with medication but if it doesn’t shrink then surgery could be an option.
I’m not worried. God has me in His hands. He is allowing these health issues to keep me humble, to keep my eyes trained on Him, to remind me to lean on Him through it all. Can He heal me completely? Absolutely! But like Paul, I think this is my “thorn in the flesh,” And I’m fine with that now. I didn’t used to be. There were times in the past that I would just cry out to Him…begging Him to make me whole, begging Him to heal me.
One day I WILL be made whole! It may not be here on earth but oh…when I see Jesus face to face….that will be glory!
The Lord is the strength of my heart. He is Jehovah Rapha (the Lord who heals)
I had no idea that September was Pain Awareness Month. As a sufferer of a chronic illness, I like the fact that awareness is being brought to those who suffer.
My journey with fibromyalgia has been a long one. I believe it started a few months after I contracted mono in my sophomore year of college…(2004, 2005) I went to the doctor but he brushed it off as depression and that it was all in my head. So I continued on in college…graduated and then decided it was time to find a doctor who would believe me.
I ended up moving back home to Virginia in 2008 and saw several doctors who didn’t believe me and told me it was all in my head. So my depression, (which I have suffered from LONG before all my fibro symptoms started) reared its ugly head and I gave up on trying to get doctors to believe me. *I* knew it wasn’t all in my head.
Flash forward to July of 2016. I was babysitting my niece and nephew when I had a seizure and fell to the floor, hitting my head and breaking my collarbone. It was a couple months after this that my symptoms became even worse. The pain I was in was excruciating. I read that sometimes fibro symptoms show up after a trauma of some sort. Mine were already there but became worse after the seizure.
I found a new doctor and decided to bring up my fibro symptoms one more time. Praise the Lord he believed me! He reviewed my history and did the pressure point test and blood work and agreed with me that it sounded like fibromyalgia. So he started me on Gabapentin (which did NOT work) so he then put me on Lyrica which I have been on for quite some time now.
Y’all, chronic pain may be an invisible illness but it’s still an illness! Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Please remember that. 🙂
Update on Landen: (from yesterday)
Landen has had some trouble with the g tube and stomach issues so today they placed an NJ tube to bypass his stomach. The hope with this is to heal whatever may be causing the issues with his stomach. He did not have dialysis today!! His pain is not completely under control and the doctors are working on better pain management. He continues to sleep a lot but was more awake and alert today! His BP was higher today most likely due to pain. They continue to try to wean pressure support on his oxygen but this has been challenging due to his pain level. Please pray specifically for his pain! He has dealt with this pain for a long time and we would love to see it under control! We continue to thank the Lord for stable days! Thank you all for your love and support!!
I checked the Social Security website yesterday to check on the status of my disability case and it said a medical decision had been made. However, it didn’t tell me whether it was approved or denied. I guess that’s what will be in the letter they send me. I decided to call my lawyer today and he looked into it and I found out that I was denied.
My lawyer said once they get the paperwork in to see WHY I was denied they will work on possibly starting the appeal.
I am so beyond frustrated. The tears came immediately and I just sat down, head in my hands, confused and angry.
I know you all have been praying for me so I just wanted to update y’all.
I hate being bipolar. I hate having ADHD. I struggle constantly with rambling thoughts, racing through my mind. I’m restless, constantly. I can’t focus on a given task for longer than a few minutes. I get distracted and will start several tasks, not finishing them because I get bored and move on to something else. Having fibromyalgia doesn’t help either. I live in a constant state of restlessness, chronic fatigue and pain, and irritability.
Honestly? I’m exhausted. It’s exhausting living like this.
But I know without a doubt that my God is with me through all of this. He is with me in the pain, in the irritability. He is with me through all my rambling thoughts. He is with me as I struggle to pray because I can’t focus long enough. He knows the words I am trying to say.
It’s been almost 3 weeks since my disability hearing. I haven’t heard anything yet. I know it can take a while so I just have to learn to be patient, which let’s face it, is NOT a strong suit of mine. But God is with me.
God is with me even now as I struggle to write this, as I force myself, with great difficulty, to get this blog post finished. The words just won’t come.
God is with me in the good days and the bad ones.
God is with me wherever I go.
Some verses that comfort me when I’m feeling this way:
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28 (NLT)
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NIV)
I took a break from writing this and turned on some music and the song “Strong Enough” by Matthew West came on. I find it fitting. 🙂
Strong Enough
Matthew West
You must
You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Yeah
Well, maybe
Maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause when I’m finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God and
You are strong when
I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
I don’t have to be strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough
Well, I had my hearing today to determine whether or not I can get disability. It went fairly well. My lawyer seems to think I have a great case and have a good shot at winning.
Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I’ve been so distracted about this hearing and haven’t been able to focus on anything but that.
But now it’s over. And so the waiting game begins……
I discovered a Bible verse last night as I was reading that fit my situation perfectly. It is found in 2 Corinthians 12:9
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
No matter what the decision by the judge, God’s grace is sufficient for me. He will get me through this and He hasn’t left me for one minute. He’s by my side always.
Another verse I found comforting is found in Philippians 3:20-21:
20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.
My body may be failing me right now but soon I will have a new body! My citizenship is not here on earth, it’s in Heaven where Jesus awaits me.
We live in a world where we have to have it OUR way in OUR time. We get so impatient when we don’t get what we want right away.
I found out yesterday that my disability hearing scheduled for today was cancelled due to the judge being unavailable and that it could be another 3-4 months before I get another hearing date. Talk about devastated! I have been waiting for this date for over a year! I wanted this so badly.
But God’s timing is not my timing. He has a reason for this.
And like any human being, I wish I knew what this reason was.
Because I’m struggling. Not just financially but mentally. Finding out I may have to wait another 3-4 months is killing me. I’ve already waited over a year for this date.
But no matter what, I know God hasn’t left me. He’s always going to be there for me. I just need to remember that.
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