Posted in anxiety, bipolar, blogging, christian living, church, depression, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, grace, mental disorders, peace, phobias, song lyrics, worry, writers block

Why Is It So Hard?

I have all but lost my desire for writing. Now that I’m back to work, it seems I have let my writing fall by the wayside. After I get home from work I’m in so much pain from standing all day that I have no interest in writing.

I’m going to be honest with you all for a moment…..I’m struggling. With life, with my relationship with God, with just about everything. I haven’t lost my faith. I still believe but I’m finding it hard to set aside time to spend with God.

I’m human. We all are. We have flaws and always will. But what happens when you lose your desire for God? Why is it so hard to follow Him? I see others who are so devoted to God and have a deep relationship with Him and I wonder why I can’t seem to find that sort of relationship. I know it’s available, I know it’s there. I thought I used to have it.  Maybe I never have.

I feel like a fraud. This blog is supposed to be me telling others about Christ and His love for us. And here I am, struggling. I’ve abandoned my blog in recent weeks.

I know we all struggle. As long as we are on this earth we will struggle from time to time.

I do know that God is still working in me. As I write this, I’m listening to Mandisa’s song, Unfinished. If you haven’t heard it I definitely advise you to check it out. Here’s some of the lyrics,

Not scared to say it
I used to be the one
Preaching it to you
That you could overcome
I still believe it
But it ain’t easy
‘Cause that world I painted
Where things just all work out
It started changing
And I started having doubts
And it got me so down
But I picked myself back up
And I started telling me
No, my God’s not done
Making me a masterpiece
He’s still working on me
He started something good
And I’m gonna believe it
He started something good
And He’s gonna complete it
So I’ll celebrate the truth
His work in me ain’t through
I’m just unfinished
I’m just unfinished
So I’ll celebrate the truth
His work in me ain’t through
I’m just unfinished
I know God is not finished with me yet.  And I know if you are struggling right now, like I am, that God isn’t finished with you yet either. Keep your head up and focused on Him.
That’s what I am doing.
But why is it so hard???
Here is another song that is speaking to me right now. It’s called Need You Now by Plumb. Such a powerful song!
Well, everybody’s got a story to tell
And everybody’s got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there’s beauty here
‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can’t let go, I can’t move on
I want to believe there’s meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn’t plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I’m trying to hear that still small voice
I’m trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I don’t know where you are right now in your walk with God, whether you’re struggling, as I am right now, or if things are going great for you right now but just remember this: God is not finished with you and has great plans for you.

I honestly believe this though I’m struggling right now.
I just wish it wasn’t so hard.
Posted in anxiety, depression, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders, prayer, worry

An Apology

I would like to apologize to you all who read my posts. I haven’t been writing much lately and it just feels like I’ve lost my desire to write. I want to get it back but I don’t know how to do it.

I have been having issues with my fibromyalgia and not having my Lyrica for several weeks, leaving me in pain. I finally was able to get my medication but it will take a week or two to fully get back in my system.

I want to be completely honest with you: I’m struggling. Spiritually, Mentally, Physically. It’s so hard being a bipolar Christian.

This blog is supposed to be about me telling people about Jesus and lately I haven’t been doing that. I feel like a fraud.

I don’t want to shut down this blog. I want so badly to get back into the swing of things and be the person I was when I first started this blog.

So I’m going to dig deep into Scripture and pray that God will show me what I am supposed to do.

Pray for me, if you don’t mind.

Posted in anxiety, Faith, fear, peace, phobias, worry

What’s YOUR Phobia?

**Originally posted in January 2015**

So we all have something we’re afraid of, right? And to that particular person the fear they have can be serious! For instance, some people are afraid of clowns while to others having a fear of clowns is just silly. But to the person with coulrophobia (fear of clowns, I looked it up!) the fear is real!

There are MANY phobias that exist! Here is a List of Phobias that I came across. Crazy right? I had no idea there were that many phobias out there!  And MINE is on the list. It’s a phobia that I’ve had since the 5th grade, possibly even younger than that. What’s it called, you ask?

Emetophobia. Yes, I have a fear of throwing up. I  remember one day when I was a child someone got sick and I went into a full on panic attack.

Now of course, no one LIKES throwing up. But to a person with emetophobia, when we throw up or if we see someone throw up we panic. I mean, PANIC. I know for me, my heart starts racing, my hands start shaking and I just feel out of control. The classic symptoms of an anxiety attack. At least for me, that is.

Over the years, I have gotten better at handling this fear. There was a time when I was a child that you couldn’t even mention the word “throw up”or “puke”, or “vomit” around me. It would throw me into a panic attack. However, as I’ve gotten older I’ve been able to better control it. I do take a medication for anxiety which helps a lot.

People with emetophobia will distance themselves from people who are sick. We will avoid eating certain foods that might make us sick. And a lot of women will avoid getting pregnant because of the fear of morning sickness. I’ve never been pregnant and because of this fear of mine, I don’t plan on becoming pregnant and having kids. Kids get sick. Kids will throw up. It’s inevitable. So I want to avoid it as much as I can.

It’s a very strange fear, I know. Trust me, I know how weird it is. But its something I’ve never been able to shake off. It’s something I’m going to live with for the rest of my life and I just have to make adjustments!

A verse that helps me when I’m having an anxiety attack is found in Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Anyways, just thought I’d share this. Emetophobia is real, y’all. I sure wish it didn’t exist though!

Do you have any phobias?

Posted in anxiety, bipolar, depression, fear, mental disorders, phobias

The Panic Attack that Started My Downward Spiral

My mental health problems began when I was a teenager. One night I suffered a major panic attack that scared the mess out of me and my mom. I honestly thought I was going to die.

I was trying to fall asleep when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this overwhelming sense of terror just enveloped me. My heart was racing way too fast as if I had just finished running a marathon. My hands began to seize up into fists that I couldn’t pry open.

What was going on? Was I dying? I was scared to death and didn’t know why. Why was this happening to me?

I remember my mom telling me that when she placed her hand over my heart to see how fast my heart was racing it felt like “a herd of horses galloping.” She tried to pry open my fists but to no avail.

She took me to the doctor where he diagnosed it as a severe anxiety attack and prescribed me an anti-anxiety medication. This particular medication, however, INCREASED my panic attacks. I was having them multiple times a day! So I was placed on another medicine which seemed to help.

After suffering from these panic attacks, I fell into a deep depression. I couldn’t understand why I was suffering from these attacks. I was in my senior year of high school.  This was supposed to be the greatest year of my high school career. I was on the verge of becoming an adult!

But no, I enjoyed none of that. Instead, I lost so much weight that my sister and my mom were convinced I had an eating disorder but I didn’t. I just stopped eating because I just wasn’t hungry.  My jeans sagged on me, I retreated to my room most days and kept to myself. I hated life at this point.

And the only thing I can say is that the panic attack is what started my downward spiral. And it gets worse….much worse…..but that’s a story for another day.

Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Ramblings

Although I will not apologize for being sick (because it makes no sense to apologize for something you have no control over), I will apologize for my rant yesterday. I was angry and upset and just needed to vent.

People have told me to “change my mindset.” I’ll admit, it angered me at first but maybe they’re right. However, changing my mindset doesn’t change the fact I suffer from a chronic illness and need help.

I will do my best to be more positive about my situation. I want to be positive. I really do. It’s just a struggle sometimes.

I don’t understand why I must have fibromyalgia and all these other health problems but I know that God is in control and will help me fight these battles.  Perhaps He’s allowing me to go through this so that I may grow closer to Him, reaching out to Him always. To learn to depend on Him always.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you

I Peter 5:7


My disability hearing is June 27th, at 9:15. I am very, very nervous. Because of my age I’m afraid I won’t receive a favorable outcome. I’m afraid the judge will look at me and figure I’m too young and that there are jobs out there I can do. But….there aren’t.

I can’t work retail anymore because I can’t stand on my feet for long periods of time anymore. And in retail they don’t let you sit down.

I can’t work in an office setting because I can’t sit down for long periods of time either. It’s a constant battle. I sit down for long periods of time and I get stiff. I hurt. My knees get totally stiff. I go to stand up and can barely walk.

I’m constantly tired. I actually take naps almost every day because it helps.  I have to remind myself that it’s NOT laziness. I am resting my body. I know what my body needs.

I have a very hard time focusing on tasks. I get distracted very easily and end up getting up and finding something else to do. Then I get bored with that and move on. It’s a never ending cycle. It’s frustrating. But I’m trying hard to fight through it.

I guess what I’m saying is that I will try to change my attitude. It doesn’t change my situation and my problems but it will help get me through the day. I will rely on God more. I will lean on Him for support and trust in Him that He will get me through this.

A verse I’ve been reading nearly every day is found in Mark 11:24:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer,believe that you have received it and it will be yours

Another verse that has been helping me is found in Psalm 37:4:

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I’m praying hard for a favorable outcome at my hearing next Wednesday. But no matter what, I’ll keep trusting my Lord.

GOD is in control! He is with me in this storm and He will see me through. I don’t know the future but God does and He knows what’s best for me. I will praise Him in this storm!

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

–Casting Crowns, “Praise You In This Storm

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Struggles of a Bipolar Christian

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

I sit here at my laptop and practically beg for the words to come. I want to write something good….something practical….something that will help someone else.

But the words just won’t come. I sit and stare at the blinking cursor and get agitated because the one thing I used to be good at, the one thing I could always count on was my writing. I used to have the ability to sit down and write til my heart was content.

Now it just feels forced.

I’ve always been told to “write what you know.” A problem I have with that is “what do I know??” “How do I know what I know?”

I am my own worst critic. I’ve been having a bit of a relapse with my bipolar disorder so that coupled with the ADHD is causing me to doubt myself.

Please bear with me as I struggle to get through this episode of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

(pity party table for 1?)

Perhaps I AM having a bit of a pity party. I’m sorry, I will try to do better.


I came across this verse in Philippians that really made me stop and think:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble finding the words. I’m trying to write for ME and not God. I know I’ve recently written about this before but I’m still struggling. Struggling with finding the right words.

An open notebook on a wooden surface in front of a laptop
Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash

I want my words to mean something to someone. I want my words to bring glory to God.

I want my words to point people to Jesus.

But my mind is all over the place. My mind races constantly and getting words out is a constant struggle. It’s taken me forever just to write this post. I’ve written a little then stopped to do something else, come back and written some more.

Can I ask all of you to please pray for me? I know this post has been all over the place but that’s the trouble with bipolar episodes. My mind races and I flit from one thought to the next in seconds.

This is the struggle of a bipolar Christian.

 

 

 

Posted in bible verses, christian living, Faith, fear, forgiveness, grace, love, redemption, rest

When Will It Stop?

There was another school shooting today in Texas. My heart breaks for those who have lost loved ones.

It’s infuriating!

WHEN WILL ALL OF THIS MADNESS STOP????

Well according to the Bible, it won’t end until Christ comes back. We live in a fallen world and it continues on its downward spiral into more evil each and every day.

While we do not know the day nor the hour in which Christ comes back, He does give some signs to look out for:

As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”

Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many.You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.

“Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10 At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, 11 and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people.12 Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13 but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

Matthew 24:3-14

Why does evil even exist? Simply put, because of Adam and Eve’s fall in the Garden of Eden. The very second Eve took that bite, sin entered the world. The very moment that forbidden fruit touched their lips, it gave birth to a world of sin. Changing the world forever. 

(Call me crazy but I’d like a word with Eve when I get to heaven! She had it made! She just HAD to eat that fruit! Thanks a lot, Eve!)

Because of Adam and Eve’s disobedience, the lives of future generations became cursed. Women would now face the excruciating pain of childbirth. Men would experience a lifetime of hard labor.

All because curiosity got the best of them. All because they gave in to Satan’s lies and deceitfulness.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that as long as we live in this fallen world, tragedies are going to happen. Sin has overtaken this world and will remain until Christ comes back for His children. All we must do is persevere to the end. Remain faithful to Him. Fight the good fight. Finish the race.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

2 Timothy 4:7-8

I long for His appearing…..don’t you? I’m so ready to see Him, to spend eternity with Him.

 

 

 

 

Posted in bible verses, Faith, fear, peace, phobias, rest

Be Anxious For Nothing

Image result for philippians 4:6-7My friend Stephen over at Fractured Faith Blog posted about being a Christian and struggling with worry. You can read his post here

I commented with this:

I’m the world’s worst worrier. I have this one fear that lately has been choking me and I end up crying myself to sleep over it.
I know the Bible tells us not to worry and I try my best to live by what the Word says but worry and anxiety are so intertwined with my being. It’s a daily struggle but I know the Lord has my back and will get me through this.
I’ve been focusing on Philippians 4:6-7 to get me through this one particular fear: “Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

To worry is to be human. But the Bible clearly tells us not to worry. Its easier said than done, right?

I am struggling with a particular fear that just won’t leave me. No matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, Satan knows its a weakness of mine and ever so slyly will slip this fear into my mind day after day until it consumes me. Until it becomes all I think about.  Until I begin crying myself to sleep, obsessing over it.

So how do I combat it day after day? I focus on Scripture and spend as much time with God as I can. I fight it every single day. It’s a daily fight.

I will always struggle with worry. But I won’t let it defeat me. And neither should you.

When you find yourself worrying….when a particular fear threatens to take over….just call on the Lord. Cry out to him. He longs to take care of us. 

Posted in bible verses, christian living, christianity, Faith, fear, peace, worry

Waiting on the Lord

I don’t know about you but I am not the most patient person. I hate waiting.

I’m not as bad as I used to be, however, as I grow closer to the Lord. He is teaching me patience. He is teaching me to wait on Him. His timing is best. He is never in a hurry but He is always on time.

It’s hard though, isn’t it? Waiting on the Lord. His timing is not necessarily our timing. He knows what’s best for us. We may think we know what is best for us, in the moment, but ultimately it’s God who knows what’s best.

Still, it’s hard waiting.

I’m currently waiting on God for a specific need to be taken care of. I’ve been waiting for quite some time now. To me, it seems like God could answer the prayer immediately but God has His reasons for allowing me to wait this long. I’m being taught to lean on Him throughout the struggles this situation has caused. I’m being taught to rely on Him for all my needs.

I came across this verse in Mark that has become very dear to me in the past couple of weeks.

Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.

Mark 11:24

I have this verse taped up so I can see it every day to remind me. Keep on praying. As it says in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, “Pray without ceasing.”

I know that God knows what is best for me and it may not necessarily line up with what I want but in the end it will be exactly what I need.

That’s what I need to remember.  That’s what the Lord is teaching me.

Image result for pray without ceasing

 

What has the Lord been teaching you lately?

 

 

Posted in bible verses, christian living, christianity, Faith, fear, peace, song lyrics, writers block, writing

The Struggle is Real….

Image result for writer's block when your imaginaryI’ve been struggling with my writing again as of late. I know the writing is IN me but I can’t get it OUT. All of you fellow writers can probably agree you’ve been in this situation before.

The dreaded writer’s block has struck again.

And it’s frustrating because I want so badly to write, to get my words out there, whether on screen or on paper.

Maybe my motives are all wrong. Am I writing for the right reasons? Am I writing for God? Because ultimately it’s about God.

Maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe I just need to take a step back and figure out where I’m trying to go with my writing. Who am I trying to honor with my writing? Am I just trying to bring the glory to myself or am I honestly wanting to bring it to God?

To be honest, I think I already know the answer. But I don’t want it to be that way. Not anymore. I don’t want it to be about me anymore.

Real…my heart is aching to be real….

Point of Grace, “Fight”

I want to bring glory to God with my writing. I honestly do.  Colossians 3:23 tells us “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”

In 1 Corinthians 10:31 it says “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

So right now…at this very instant…I’m giving this writing struggle over to God. If writing is what I am called to do then He will show me and give the words to write. I want my words to mean something. I don’t want my words to become empty.

This song seems appropriate right now. I know I’ve posted it before but I feel the need to share it again.

 

“Fight”
Point of Grace

How clever is my pride, how it deceives my mind
To think I am in control when I have really lost it all
How brilliant is my greed for what it says I need
And then I’ve come to find I’m empty on the inside
Real, my heart is aching to be real
So I am coming to You
All my broken motives, all my selfish dreams
All of my foolishness now I understand where it leads
I wanna be in Your love, I wanna be so much more
I know You’re reaching out so what am I fighting You for
So what am I fighting You for
How quick is my doubt to leave my heart without
The presence of Your peace so that I scarce believe
How pardoned is my guilt to crush the life You built
And to keep me far away from any kind of shame
Real, my heart is aching to be real
So I am coming to You
All my broken motives, all my selfish dreams
All of my foolishness now I understand where it leads
I wanna be in Your love, I wanna be so much more
I know You’re reaching out so what am I fighting You for
‘Cause only You can save me
And only You can change me
And only You can love me
Here I come, here I come
So I come to You
All my broken motives, all my selfish dreams
All of my foolishness ’cause I understand where it leads
I wanna be in Your love, I wanna be so much more
I know You’re reaching out so what am I fighting You
All my broken motives, all my selfish dreams
All of my foolishness now I understand where it leads
I wanna be in Your love, I wanna be so much more
I know You’re reaching out I don’t wanna fight anymore
I don’t wanna fight anymore
I don’t wanna fight anymore
I don’t wanna fight anymore
I don’t wanna fight