Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Ramblings

Although I will not apologize for being sick (because it makes no sense to apologize for something you have no control over), I will apologize for my rant yesterday. I was angry and upset and just needed to vent.

People have told me to “change my mindset.” I’ll admit, it angered me at first but maybe they’re right. However, changing my mindset doesn’t change the fact I suffer from a chronic illness and need help.

I will do my best to be more positive about my situation. I want to be positive. I really do. It’s just a struggle sometimes.

I don’t understand why I must have fibromyalgia and all these other health problems but I know that God is in control and will help me fight these battles.  Perhaps He’s allowing me to go through this so that I may grow closer to Him, reaching out to Him always. To learn to depend on Him always.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you

I Peter 5:7


My disability hearing is June 27th, at 9:15. I am very, very nervous. Because of my age I’m afraid I won’t receive a favorable outcome. I’m afraid the judge will look at me and figure I’m too young and that there are jobs out there I can do. But….there aren’t.

I can’t work retail anymore because I can’t stand on my feet for long periods of time anymore. And in retail they don’t let you sit down.

I can’t work in an office setting because I can’t sit down for long periods of time either. It’s a constant battle. I sit down for long periods of time and I get stiff. I hurt. My knees get totally stiff. I go to stand up and can barely walk.

I’m constantly tired. I actually take naps almost every day because it helps.  I have to remind myself that it’s NOT laziness. I am resting my body. I know what my body needs.

I have a very hard time focusing on tasks. I get distracted very easily and end up getting up and finding something else to do. Then I get bored with that and move on. It’s a never ending cycle. It’s frustrating. But I’m trying hard to fight through it.

I guess what I’m saying is that I will try to change my attitude. It doesn’t change my situation and my problems but it will help get me through the day. I will rely on God more. I will lean on Him for support and trust in Him that He will get me through this.

A verse I’ve been reading nearly every day is found in Mark 11:24:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer,believe that you have received it and it will be yours

Another verse that has been helping me is found in Psalm 37:4:

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I’m praying hard for a favorable outcome at my hearing next Wednesday. But no matter what, I’ll keep trusting my Lord.

GOD is in control! He is with me in this storm and He will see me through. I don’t know the future but God does and He knows what’s best for me. I will praise Him in this storm!

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

–Casting Crowns, “Praise You In This Storm

 

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Posted in adhd, bipolar, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

A Few Thoughts…

I’d like to take the time to share something that’s been on my heart the past few days. I am currently down with the stomach bug so between binge watching Netflix and reading I’ve been doing some thinking. It’s more of a rant so I’m warning you now. I just need to get this off my chest.

Most of you know that I struggle with fibromyalgia, a chronic illness that causes widespread body pain, fatigue and cognitive difficulties (“fibro fog”) I also suffer from bipolar disorder, ADHD, PCOS, anxiety and depression.

I physically and mentally CANNOT work at this present time. I have applied for disability and have a hearing next Wednesday, June 27th. My lawyer thinks I have a very good chance at winning due to all my health issues.

However, most people look at me and think I’m just being lazy and think I just don’t want to work.

“Change your mindset” they tell me. “You’ll feel better”

It’s not about my “mindset.” I physically cannot work. Don’t you think I WANT to be able to work and provide for myself? Don’t you think I feel ashamed that I can’t provide for myself? That I can’t help out more around the house? It’s downright embarrassing.

You know what though? I shouldn’t feel ashamed about any of this. I have health problems. I didn’t ask for them.

I want people to know how badly it hurts when I’m called lazy.

It’s not laziness. I just wish I could get people to understand this.

The pain is real, folks. And words hurt.

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Struggles of a Bipolar Christian

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

I sit here at my laptop and practically beg for the words to come. I want to write something good….something practical….something that will help someone else.

But the words just won’t come. I sit and stare at the blinking cursor and get agitated because the one thing I used to be good at, the one thing I could always count on was my writing. I used to have the ability to sit down and write til my heart was content.

Now it just feels forced.

I’ve always been told to “write what you know.” A problem I have with that is “what do I know??” “How do I know what I know?”

I am my own worst critic. I’ve been having a bit of a relapse with my bipolar disorder so that coupled with the ADHD is causing me to doubt myself.

Please bear with me as I struggle to get through this episode of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

(pity party table for 1?)

Perhaps I AM having a bit of a pity party. I’m sorry, I will try to do better.


I came across this verse in Philippians that really made me stop and think:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble finding the words. I’m trying to write for ME and not God. I know I’ve recently written about this before but I’m still struggling. Struggling with finding the right words.

An open notebook on a wooden surface in front of a laptop
Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash

I want my words to mean something to someone. I want my words to bring glory to God.

I want my words to point people to Jesus.

But my mind is all over the place. My mind races constantly and getting words out is a constant struggle. It’s taken me forever just to write this post. I’ve written a little then stopped to do something else, come back and written some more.

Can I ask all of you to please pray for me? I know this post has been all over the place but that’s the trouble with bipolar episodes. My mind races and I flit from one thought to the next in seconds.

This is the struggle of a bipolar Christian.

 

 

 

Posted in fibromyalgia, Reblog

*Reblog* Understanding Exhaustion

Hands up if you didn’t get enough restful sleep last night. I’m raising both arms. I have sleep apnea. I stop breathing 53 times an hours. Sitting in the doctor’s office, I listen as he explained that even after getting treatment for sleep apnea, I might not feel rested like many of his other patient. […]

via Understanding exhaustion — Topics with Passion

Posted in fibromyalgia, Reblog

*Reblog* Guilty of Being Chronically Ill

I came across this blog post today by Brainless Blogger and found it to be soooo true! I suffer from a chronic illness as well and find myself feeling this way a lot.

Yes, I am guilty of being ill. And we can feel this guilt acutely. When: We don’t perform to our standards When we don’t perform to what we think society’s standards are When we don’t perform to other’s standards When we cancel plans When we miss work When people try and tell us it is […]

via Guilty of being chronically ill — Brainless Blogger

Posted in adhd, bipolar, christian living, christianity, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders, Reblog

*Reblog*Leigh’s Interview Feature

Back in December, The Bipolar Writer did a feature on me of what it’s like to be a Bipolar Christian. I don’t know why I didn’t think about sharing this until now but check it out! I think he did a great job!

The Bipolar Writer Blog - A Mental Health Blog

Imagine.

Being completely out of focus on the world around you. It is impossible to get out bed even for a moment. The struggle to be yourself is real, and the little things in your life seem to be impossible to get done. What do you do? What can you do when depression gets the best part of your day?

Leigh turns to her faith, “If I take a second to breathe and focus on God, I find that I’m able to concentrate better.”

This is the story of a brave soul dealing with the unimaginable depths of her diagnosis. Each of our mental illness stories is unique to each human being in the mental health community. Here is one story—a good one of Leigh S from Norfolk, VA.

brandon-mathis-187060.jpg

If we could walk a day in Leigh’s shoes we would find someone stuck between two worlds. Leigh fights with her…

View original post 1,020 more words

Posted in fibromyalgia

Tendonitis

People standing in a line on a ground filled with autumn leaves in CrabtreeI went to my doctor yesterday to see about getting some relief for my knees. I have been dealing with a quite a bit of pain in both knees for the past 6 months or so. I finally decided I needed to see my doctor and see about getting into therapy or something.

I have tendonitis in both knees! So he’s given me meds to help with the inflammation and pain and referred me to physical therapy for the time being. Unfortunately, I discovered that my insurance doesn’t cover physical therapy so I need to call my doctor back and see what I’m supposed to do. I have some exercises that I can do at home but I know my doctor was hoping for me to get to an actual therapist.

If after 3 months I’m still having pain then my doctor is going to order an MRI and possibly give me cortisone shots. I’ve had cortisone shots before in my shoulder and in my right knee so I know what to expect with that.

Please pray that we can figure out a way for me to get physical therapy because I know it will definitely help the knees! I’m going to do some therapy of my own but I would much rather have a therapist to keep me accountable! LOL.

 

Photo by Providence Doucet on Unsplash