Posted in anxiety, bipolar, depression, fear, mental disorders, phobias

The Panic Attack that Started My Downward Spiral

My mental health problems began when I was a teenager. One night I suffered a major panic attack that scared the mess out of me and my mom. I honestly thought I was going to die.

I was trying to fall asleep when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this overwhelming sense of terror just enveloped me. My heart was racing way too fast as if I had just finished running a marathon. My hands began to seize up into fists that I couldn’t pry open.

What was going on? Was I dying? I was scared to death and didn’t know why. Why was this happening to me?

I remember my mom telling me that when she placed her hand over my heart to see how fast my heart was racing it felt like “a herd of horses galloping.” She tried to pry open my fists but to no avail.

She took me to the doctor where he diagnosed it as a severe anxiety attack and prescribed me an anti-anxiety medication. This particular medication, however, INCREASED my panic attacks. I was having them multiple times a day! So I was placed on another medicine which seemed to help.

After suffering from these panic attacks, I fell into a deep depression. I couldn’t understand why I was suffering from these attacks. I was in my senior year of high school.  This was supposed to be the greatest year of my high school career. I was on the verge of becoming an adult!

But no, I enjoyed none of that. Instead, I lost so much weight that my sister and my mom were convinced I had an eating disorder but I didn’t. I just stopped eating because I just wasn’t hungry.  My jeans sagged on me, I retreated to my room most days and kept to myself. I hated life at this point.

And the only thing I can say is that the panic attack is what started my downward spiral. And it gets worse….much worse…..but that’s a story for another day.

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Posted in adhd, bipolar, disability, medications, mental disorders

Denied

I checked the Social Security website yesterday to check on the status of my disability case and it said a medical decision had been made. However, it didn’t tell me whether it was approved or denied. I guess that’s what will be in the letter they send me. I decided to call my lawyer today and he looked into it and I found out that I was denied.

My lawyer said once they get the paperwork in to see WHY I was denied they will work on possibly starting the appeal.

I am so beyond frustrated. The tears came immediately and I just sat down, head in my hands, confused and angry.

I know you all have been praying for me so I just wanted to update y’all.

*sigh*

 

Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, disability, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Strong Enough

Image result for bipolar and adhdI hate being bipolar. I hate having ADHD. I struggle constantly with rambling thoughts, racing through my mind. I’m restless, constantly. I can’t focus on a given task for longer than a few minutes. I get distracted and will start several tasks, not finishing them because I get bored and move on to something else. Having fibromyalgia doesn’t help either. I live in a constant state of restlessness, chronic fatigue and pain, and irritability.

Honestly? I’m exhausted. It’s exhausting living like this.

But I know without a doubt that my God is with me through all of this. He is with me in the pain, in the irritability. He is with me through all my rambling thoughts. He is with me as I struggle to pray because I can’t focus long enough. He knows the words I am trying to say.

It’s been almost 3 weeks since my disability hearing. I haven’t heard anything yet. I know it can take a while so I just have to learn to be patient, which let’s face it, is NOT a strong suit of mine. But God is with me.

God is with me even now as I struggle to write this, as I force myself, with great difficulty, to get this blog post finished. The words just won’t come.

God is with me in the good days and the bad ones.

God is with me wherever I go.

Some verses that comfort me when I’m feeling this way:

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28 (NLT)

 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NIV)

 

I took a break from writing this and turned on some music and the song “Strong Enough” by Matthew West came on. I find it fitting. 🙂

Strong Enough

Matthew West

You must
You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Yeah
Well, maybe
Maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause when I’m finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God and
You are strong when
I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
I don’t have to be strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, disability, fibromyalgia, grace, mental disorders, phobias

Disability Hearing

Well, I had my hearing today to determine whether or not I can get disability. It went fairly well. My lawyer seems to think I have a great case and have a good shot at winning.

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I’ve been so distracted about this hearing and haven’t been able to focus on anything but that.

But now it’s over. And so the waiting game begins……

I discovered a Bible verse last night as I was reading that fit my situation perfectly. It is found in 2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

No matter what the decision by the judge, God’s grace is sufficient for me. He will get me through this and He hasn’t left me for one minute. He’s by my side always.

Another verse I found comforting is found in Philippians 3:20-21:

20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

My body may be failing me right now but soon I will have a new body! My citizenship is not here on earth, it’s in Heaven where Jesus awaits me.

 

How is YOUR day going?

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, medications, mental disorders

Unable to Focus

The struggle is real, y’all.

Lately, I have had the worst time trying to concentrate on things. I want to read, so I grab a book and can’t get past the first page. My mind is wandering all over the place. I want to write a blog post, so I open up WordPress and out comes…..nothing.

(Just trying to write this is painful….my mind wanders and I can’t sit still)

I just can’t concentrate enough to get it done. I’m restless and irritable that I can’t focus long enough to get something done.

Looks like I’ll be having to make a call to my psychiatrist. I was on Kapvay for the adult ADHD but my doctor took me off of it because I was having side effects that I couldn’t handle. We discussed starting something else but I told her I wanted to wait to see if I could beat this on my own. I mean, I know ADHD is not something you can just “beat” but I was confident I could control it.

Boy, was I wrong.

It’s so frustrating.

So please, if you get a moment, please pray for me.

*********

Okay, so I took a break from writing this and guess what I came across? A prayer I had found online and copied onto an index card. Here’s what it says:

Lord, I am wholly devoted to You. I struggle with distractions but my heart wants You. Help me, walk with me, never leave me. I give you my distractions, Lord. Lead me into green pastures, still waters and do life with me, God. I love You, I set my affection on You. You are good and faithful and You will provide for every need I have. I trust You, help me to trust You completely. Let me feel Your presence, let me feel Your love. Thank You!

I’m not sure who wrote out that prayer but I thank them for posting it because it really helped me.

Distractions are going to happen in life, no doubt about it. But I have GOD on my side and He will take care of me when I’m going through these periods of not being able to focus.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

 

Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Ramblings

Although I will not apologize for being sick (because it makes no sense to apologize for something you have no control over), I will apologize for my rant yesterday. I was angry and upset and just needed to vent.

People have told me to “change my mindset.” I’ll admit, it angered me at first but maybe they’re right. However, changing my mindset doesn’t change the fact I suffer from a chronic illness and need help.

I will do my best to be more positive about my situation. I want to be positive. I really do. It’s just a struggle sometimes.

I don’t understand why I must have fibromyalgia and all these other health problems but I know that God is in control and will help me fight these battles.  Perhaps He’s allowing me to go through this so that I may grow closer to Him, reaching out to Him always. To learn to depend on Him always.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you

I Peter 5:7


My disability hearing is June 27th, at 9:15. I am very, very nervous. Because of my age I’m afraid I won’t receive a favorable outcome. I’m afraid the judge will look at me and figure I’m too young and that there are jobs out there I can do. But….there aren’t.

I can’t work retail anymore because I can’t stand on my feet for long periods of time anymore. And in retail they don’t let you sit down.

I can’t work in an office setting because I can’t sit down for long periods of time either. It’s a constant battle. I sit down for long periods of time and I get stiff. I hurt. My knees get totally stiff. I go to stand up and can barely walk.

I’m constantly tired. I actually take naps almost every day because it helps.  I have to remind myself that it’s NOT laziness. I am resting my body. I know what my body needs.

I have a very hard time focusing on tasks. I get distracted very easily and end up getting up and finding something else to do. Then I get bored with that and move on. It’s a never ending cycle. It’s frustrating. But I’m trying hard to fight through it.

I guess what I’m saying is that I will try to change my attitude. It doesn’t change my situation and my problems but it will help get me through the day. I will rely on God more. I will lean on Him for support and trust in Him that He will get me through this.

A verse I’ve been reading nearly every day is found in Mark 11:24:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer,believe that you have received it and it will be yours

Another verse that has been helping me is found in Psalm 37:4:

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I’m praying hard for a favorable outcome at my hearing next Wednesday. But no matter what, I’ll keep trusting my Lord.

GOD is in control! He is with me in this storm and He will see me through. I don’t know the future but God does and He knows what’s best for me. I will praise Him in this storm!

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

–Casting Crowns, “Praise You In This Storm

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

A Few Thoughts…

I’d like to take the time to share something that’s been on my heart the past few days. I am currently down with the stomach bug so between binge watching Netflix and reading I’ve been doing some thinking. It’s more of a rant so I’m warning you now. I just need to get this off my chest.

Most of you know that I struggle with fibromyalgia, a chronic illness that causes widespread body pain, fatigue and cognitive difficulties (“fibro fog”) I also suffer from bipolar disorder, ADHD, PCOS, anxiety and depression.

I physically and mentally CANNOT work at this present time. I have applied for disability and have a hearing next Wednesday, June 27th. My lawyer thinks I have a very good chance at winning due to all my health issues.

However, most people look at me and think I’m just being lazy and think I just don’t want to work.

“Change your mindset” they tell me. “You’ll feel better”

It’s not about my “mindset.” I physically cannot work. Don’t you think I WANT to be able to work and provide for myself? Don’t you think I feel ashamed that I can’t provide for myself? That I can’t help out more around the house? It’s downright embarrassing.

You know what though? I shouldn’t feel ashamed about any of this. I have health problems. I didn’t ask for them.

I want people to know how badly it hurts when I’m called lazy.

It’s not laziness. I just wish I could get people to understand this.

The pain is real, folks. And words hurt.