I have felt my mood spiralling steadily downwards throughout the week. This has trickled into my writing which has been largely negative and downbeat. I don’t apologise for this as I have always said I would write honestly on this blog. Those who choose to read it see the good, the bad and the frequently ugly. Warts and all. I spent too long living a lie on social media so this latest incarnation is, if nothing else, a truthful one.
The reason for this? Quite simple really. I never bothered to order my repeat prescription for Escitaloprem which I take on a daily basis to combat OCD, Anxiety and Depression. It’s one little, white pill a day but they make all the difference to my mood and outlook on life. Without them I start to feel irritable, edgy and miserable within a few days. Negative thinking takes over and the…
Satan is constantly whispering in my ear, “You’re not good enough. You can’t do this. Just give up now.”
My inner voice responds to him “Shut up. You know nothing. Go away.”
Then it goes quiet. Nothing. No voices for a few minutes.
Then comes the voice that I have grown to know and love. The small still voice that is the Lord’s. He tells me I AM good enough. I AM able to do this. Don’t give up.”
I know what voice I need to listen to. It’s obvious. But Satan’s voice then comes roaring like a lion. It’s his voice versus God’s voice. They’re battling for my mind.
It’s a never-ending battle.
A battle for my mind, my heart, my soul.
Who will win?
Who will I LET win?
It’s up to me, really.
Who do I choose? God or Satan?
Heaven or Hell?
I choose God
I choose Heaven
But there are days where my actions clearly choose the opposite.
There are days I give in to temptation. I listen to Satan’s voice.
I forget momentarily who I am.
A child of the King.
I’ve let Him down once again.
But here’s the beauty of it. He will always take me back! He waits for me with arms wide open when I realize the error of my ways. When I realize how foolish I’ve been. When I realize that that missing piece in my heart is just a prayer away.
I’m a bipolar Christian with a desire to bring others to Christ. To help them see the error of their ways. To help them see that the missing piece in their heart is just a prayer away.
Being bipolar and a Christian is definitely not easy. I struggle daily with racing thoughts and distractions. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them against me. I try my best to cling to God through these times but sometimes my fleshly desires kick in and I let go and try to go my way.
But then I hear His voice, ever so softly, urging me to return to Him. To reclaim the gift He gave me. The gift of salvation.
Redemption for my sins.
He loves me with an agape love. An unconditional love. An everlasting love. His love never fails. Is never rude. Is never harsh. He loves me.
Despite my failures
Despite my shortcomings.
Lord, it is my desire to please you. To live a life that glorifies You. It is my desire to bring others to you. Help me to stop being so scared. To stop being….well, me! You created me. You love me. You know what I can do, even if I don’t.
Lord, you have great plans for me. Point me in the right direction. I want to do Your will. I’m tired of trying to do it all on my own. Especially when we both know I can’t do it all on my own. I need You and I’m begging You to help me cling to You throughout all the hardships I am going through. You are teaching me something, Lord. Help me to understand what it is.
And He loves YOU just as much! He loves YOU the same way.
Back in December, The Bipolar Writer did a feature on me of what it’s like to be a Bipolar Christian. I don’t know why I didn’t think about sharing this until now but check it out! I think he did a great job!
Being completely out of focus on the world around you. It is impossible to get out bed even for a moment. The struggle to be yourself is real, and the little things in your life seem to be impossible to get done. What do you do? What can you do when depression gets the best part of your day?
Leigh turns to her faith, “If I take a second to breathe and focus on God, I find that I’m able to concentrate better.”
This is the story of a brave soul dealing with the unimaginable depths of her diagnosis. Each of our mental illness stories is unique to each human being in the mental health community. Here is one story—a good one of Leigh S from Norfolk, VA.
If we could walk a day in Leigh’s shoes we would find someone stuck between two worlds. Leigh fights with her…
On Sunday nights at my church we have been going through Ephesians. This particular translation is in the English Standard Version. I don’t know what version you are more comfortable with but this particular version helps me understand it better.
We need to be careful with how we live our lives, especially in this day and age. We must make good use of our time. Time is running out! Jesus is coming back soon and we must be sure we are living godly lives!
How have you been spending your time? What version of the Bible do you prefer?
I’ve been struggling these past couple of days. I’ve been having issues with my fibromyalgia and my bipolar disorder. I’m having a major flare up with the fibro and been having racing thoughts to the point where I can’t really focus on anything for more than a few minutes. It’s quite frustrating. So if it seems like I’m not acting like myself, this is why. I’d appreciate any prayers y’all might lift up for me.
Interesting read! I also am one of these people who cannot work at the moment. And it hurts so bad when people call me lazy. I don’t know how to get through to them that I’m NOT faking….that I’m NOT being lazy. The pain (and struggle) is very real!
Nobody feel awesome for being not able to work for the family. Due to nature of illness we have, continuing job will be the utmost desire that everyone have. Doctors appointments, tests, treatment, dealing emotional and physical symptoms as on its own a full time job that every fibromyalgia patient is doing. We have asked…
I have suffered from a mental illness since I was 17. I was diagnosed with severe depression/anxiety in my senior year of high school. However, 8 years later I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and after learning about the disorder suddenly I realized I had been bipolar since I was 17. All my erratic behaviors and mood swings totally made sense after the bipolar diagnosis.
It wasn’t long after my initial diagnosis of depression that I became a cutter. I cut because it made the mental pain go away. I cut because in a sick, twisted way it made me feel better. I wasn’t a Christian at this point despite having grown up in church. I was so lost, so out of it. I just didn’t want to live anymore. So I began cutting more and more. But I never got as far as cutting to end my life. But I had the tendencies. So my family placed me in the hospital. I spent a week there and was placed on medication.
I came home. The medication made me numb. I didn’t feel depressed anymore but I didn’t feel happy either. I was a zombie. So they changed my medication. It made things a little better, I guess.
Fast forward to March of 2003. I was home on break from college. I was at church listening to an evangelist speak. And that was the day I gave my life to the Lord. He made a statement that has stayed with me to this very day:
You can be 99% sure (about being saved) but you’re still 100% lost.
I knew immediately that despite my years of church going…despite me attending a Bible college….despite all the head knowledge….I didn’t have the heart knowledge. I was lost. I was a sinner. I needed God’s grace. And so I gave my life to the Lord. Now don’t get me wrong….just because I was now a Christian didn’t mean all my troubles went away…..it doesn’t work like that. But I now had Someone who would always be there and always help me through the problems.
Fast forward to January 2008. I had fallen back into a deep depression. It was miserable. I hated life. I wasn’t where I needed to be with my walk with God. I had backslidden. My feelings were starting to scare me so I decided to check myself into a hospital to get help. It wasn’t easy and I had second thoughts once I got there. I tried to leave but I wasn’t able to. And I’m glad I didn’t. I got the help I needed and I got the correct diagnosis: I was bipolar. Suddenly it just all made sense.
I was put on a medication specifically for bipolar and then other medications for the depression and anxiety.
What is like to be bipolar? Well for me I get agitated super easily, when I’m having an episode I’ll tend to go on mini shopping sprees with what little money I have. I have a hard time sitting still (I’m ADD as well). My moods will be everywhere. I can be super happy about something and then be triggered and get down very very quickly. Being around me during an episode is not really easy for people. And I don’t blame them. I tend to try to keep to myself when I’m having an episode so I don’t make others miserable.
But I found God again. I got back on track with Him. But then I fell again. And again. Until finally in July of 2017….5 months ago….I fell in love with Jesus. I got on my knees and I prayed to Him and confessed all my problems, all my sins and just laid it down before Him and I finally got serious about God. For the first time since my initial salvation in 2003.
Is it hard being a bipolar Christian? Yes. Yes, it’s extremely hard and I struggle with it every single day. Some days are harder than others. But I know that God is with me. God has my back. God’s got great plans for me.
. In December of 2016 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Doctor after doctor kept telling me it was all in my head and that I was just depressed but I kept pressing the matter until finally my new PCP finally believed me and agreed that it was fibromyalgia
Let me tell you. It’s a frustrating illness to say the least. Most people think that because they can’t “see” the illness then I must be faking to get attention. Other people think I’m just being lazy. It’s hurtful and unfair . I want to bring more awareness to this chronic illness. So here is a list of some of the many problems people with fibromyalgia face:
Due to “fibro fog”, people with fibromyalgia tend to forget words, even in the middle of talking. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me and it can be quite embarrassing.
I have the worst memory ever. I can forget a conversation I have had with someone only moments later.
This is a given. Pain is the number one symptom of fibromyalgia. I am 34 but sometimes (okay, all the time….) feel like an 85-year-old getting out of bed! Morning stiffness is the worst. There are days it takes me quite a bit of time just to get out of the bed. Then once my feet hit the floor I’m in pain because my feet ache, my knees are killing me and I just want to crawl back into bed. (I could so easily fall back into my depression because of this but I haven’t yet. Praise the Lord!)
I am not exaggerating when I say I’m tired ALL THE TIME! It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get….I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. I’m always tired.
I guess what I want people to know is that fibromyalgia is REAL! It exists and it hurts to hear “Oh you’re just lazy.” “Oh, you just want attention.” And here’s my favorite: “But you don’t LOOK sick!” To which one day I WILL respond “Yeah and you don’t LOOK stupid but here we are….(Okay I probably will never say that…..it’s just not in my nature to be mean like that.)
I never asked for this and I don’t understand why I have to suffer through it but by God’s grace I will keep on moving forward day by day.