25 Years Of Living With Mental Illness

Some quotes on mental health and the church

The very church that preaches Christ’s unconditional love and compassion, in some instances, hurts its most needy members. 

Marja Bergen

The church ought to be a safe place for caring for those with all forms of illnesses: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual

Pastor Curtis Lowe,

“It’s really rooted in superstition and a misunderstanding of what mental illness is,”

Amy Simpson

Despite all the advances in treatment, despite all the ways in which our culture has become more enlightened and compassionate, somehow mental illness remains in a category of its own, regarded as some sort of peculiar affliction that is best dealt with by toughing it out, straightening up, putting one’s will into play and hiding any evidence of possible symptoms.

Kathy Hurt

THE LACK OF ATTENTION TO THIS IMPORTANT ISSUE BOTH BY THE CHURCH AND SECULAR SOCIETY HAS LEFT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS STIGMATIZED.

Gladys Mwiti

Things Never to Say to Someone Suffering from Mental Illness

• Oh snap out of it already
• Cheer up
• Smile, you’ll feel better
• Get over it

Or my personal “fave”

• Your faith is weak, just pray it away

If only it were that simple.

I have suffered from bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety since I was 17.

21 years. It’s been 21 years. Actually, I started having panic attacks when I was 13 so yeah, around 25 years.

So for a quarter of a century I have been dealing with mental illness. I never looked at it like that before.

25 years.

Yes, I’m A Christian and Bipolar

Yes, it is possible to be a Christian, to have the love of the Lord in you and still struggle with a mental illness. The two CAN coexist! Because guess what? Mental illness? Yeah, it doesn’t discriminate. It can strike anyone at any given time. It’s a chemical imbalance.

Its Not a Lack of Faith Issue

I have suffered from depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder for many years.  I was told by someone once that my faith was not strong enough and that’s why I was suffering. I’ll never forget that.

But it’s not a faith issue. What if what I had was physical? Diabetes, or cancer? We don’t question those illnesses so why is mental illness any different? According to Ed Stetzer,

We can talk about diabetes and Aunt Mable’s lumbago in church—those are seen as medical conditions, but mental illness–that’s somehow seen as a lack of faith.

Mental illness is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It shouldn’t be treated any differently from a physical illness.

I will never understand why every organ in your body gets support and sympathy when it is ill, except for your brain.

Unknown

I have actually been told that mental illness is “all in your head.” Ummm….well yes…..it is! Where else would it be? My kidney?

Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden; it is easier to say, “my tooth is aching” than to say “my heart is broken.”

C.S. Lewis

25 years, y’all. 25 years!

Coronavirus: Don’t Let the Fear Take Over

It’s crazy how quick this coronavirus has spread and the panic it has created. I went to Walmart the other day to grab some hand sanitizer and the shelves were EMPTY! (Ironically, the soap was still there.)

Toilet paper is being hoarded. Sanitizer and even alcohol swabs are disappearing off the shelf! (My mom is diabetic and had asked me to pick up some alcohol swabs for her and there were none!)

I get it, you guys. I get the scare. No one wants to get sick. But please…calm down! I saw a news report (and if you follow me on Facebook you may have seen it) about parents picking their kids up from school and wiping down their backpack, their clothes. I even saw a parent SPRAYING HIS KID WITH DISINFECTANT! (At this point I was laughing so hard)

Listen, I’m not trying to downplay this pandemic that the virus is now being called. I’m not rebuking those who are taking this seriously! I’m taking it seriously myself. As a chronic illness sufferer, I have to be careful myself! I’m taking precautions. I’m washing my hands. I’m trying (with difficulty, LOL) not to touch my face. I’m using hand sanitizer at work after dealing with a customer at the register.

We just shouldn’t be panicking about it. Panicking just causes stress and stress can actually lower your immune system, making you susceptible to illnesses.

As Christians, we are not called to live in fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self discipline.”

We aren’t called to have an anxious heart either.

Don’t worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

 

Fearless Faith

Fear Is a Liar by Zach Williams

When he told you you’re not good enough
When he told you you’re not right
When he told you you’re not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you’re not worthy
When he told you you’re not loved
When he told you you’re not beautiful
That you’ll never be enough

Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar

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Disclaimer: Satan is REALLY not wanting me to post this. WordPress keeps crashing on me and it’s getting me frustrated. However…I will persevere. I WILL get this post out.  

 

Satan knows and uses my anxiety to try to bring me down. He knows I’m a chronic worrier(which I’m trying to work on.)For as long as I can remember I’ve been on medication for my anxiety/depression/bipolar disorder. Yet I still suffer from panic attacks and will sometimes fall into a deep depression. Medicine doesn’t cure the issues I have (in fact I was placed on a new medication today) but it helps keep my emotions at bay. Thank God I’m currently stable but there was a time I wasn’t. The anxiety would pile up and then the panic attacks came like clockwork.

But thank God we have Someone on our side. Someone to root us on and Someone who will love us unconditionally and through His perfect love drives out all fears!

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.~~~2 Timothy 1:7

We need to look to Christ when doubts start flying. When that anxiety kicks in and pushes you towards a full-blown panic attack.  When Satan whispers in your ear that “you’re not good enough.” Look to Christ!!! He will give you what you truly need!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

 

 

Why Is It So Hard?

I have all but lost my desire for writing. Now that I’m back to work, it seems I have let my writing fall by the wayside. After I get home from work I’m in so much pain from standing all day that I have no interest in writing.

I’m going to be honest with you all for a moment…..I’m struggling. With life, with my relationship with God, with just about everything. I haven’t lost my faith. I still believe but I’m finding it hard to set aside time to spend with God.

I’m human. We all are. We have flaws and always will. But what happens when you lose your desire for God? Why is it so hard to follow Him? I see others who are so devoted to God and have a deep relationship with Him and I wonder why I can’t seem to find that sort of relationship. I know it’s available, I know it’s there. I thought I used to have it.  Maybe I never have.

I feel like a fraud. This blog is supposed to be me telling others about Christ and His love for us. And here I am, struggling. I’ve abandoned my blog in recent weeks.

I know we all struggle. As long as we are on this earth we will struggle from time to time.

I do know that God is still working in me. As I write this, I’m listening to Mandisa’s song, Unfinished. If you haven’t heard it I definitely advise you to check it out. Here’s some of the lyrics,

Not scared to say it
I used to be the one
Preaching it to you
That you could overcome
I still believe it
But it ain’t easy

‘Cause that world I painted
Where things just all work out
It started changing
And I started having doubts
And it got me so down

But I picked myself back up
And I started telling me
No, my God’s not done
Making me a masterpiece
He’s still working on me

He started something good
And I’m gonna believe it
He started something good
And He’s gonna complete it
So I’ll celebrate the truth
His work in me ain’t through
I’m just unfinished
I’m just unfinished
So I’ll celebrate the truth
His work in me ain’t through
I’m just unfinished

I know God is not finished with me yet.  And I know if you are struggling right now, like I am, that God isn’t finished with you yet either. Keep your head up and focused on Him.

That’s what I am doing.

But why is it so hard???

Here is another song that is speaking to me right now. It’s called Need You Now by Plumb. Such a powerful song!

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell
And everybody’s got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there’s beauty here
‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can’t let go, I can’t move on
I want to believe there’s meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn’t plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I’m trying to hear that still small voice
I’m trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

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I don’t know where you are right now in your walk with God, whether you’re struggling, as I am right now, or if things are going great for you right now but just remember this: God is not finished with you and has great plans for you.

I honestly believe this though I’m struggling right now.

I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

What’s YOUR Phobia?

**Originally posted in January 2015**

So we all have something we’re afraid of, right? And to that particular person the fear they have can be serious! For instance, some people are afraid of clowns while to others having a fear of clowns is just silly. But to the person with coulrophobia (fear of clowns, I looked it up!) the fear is real!

There are MANY phobias that exist! Here is a List of Phobias that I came across. Crazy right? I had no idea there were that many phobias out there!  And MINE is on the list. It’s a phobia that I’ve had since the 5th grade, possibly even younger than that. What’s it called, you ask?

Emetophobia. Yes, I have a fear of throwing up. I  remember one day when I was a child someone got sick and I went into a full on panic attack.

Now of course, no one LIKES throwing up. But to a person with emetophobia, when we throw up or if we see someone throw up we panic. I mean, PANIC. I know for me, my heart starts racing, my hands start shaking and I just feel out of control. The classic symptoms of an anxiety attack. At least for me, that is.

Over the years, I have gotten better at handling this fear. There was a time when I was a child that you couldn’t even mention the word “throw up”or “puke”, or “vomit” around me. It would throw me into a panic attack. However, as I’ve gotten older I’ve been able to better control it. I do take a medication for anxiety which helps a lot.

People with emetophobia will distance themselves from people who are sick. We will avoid eating certain foods that might make us sick. And a lot of women will avoid getting pregnant because of the fear of morning sickness. I’ve never been pregnant and because of this fear of mine, I don’t plan on becoming pregnant and having kids. Kids get sick. Kids will throw up. It’s inevitable. So I want to avoid it as much as I can.

It’s a very strange fear, I know. Trust me, I know how weird it is. But its something I’ve never been able to shake off. It’s something I’m going to live with for the rest of my life and I just have to make adjustments!

A verse that helps me when I’m having an anxiety attack is found in Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Anyways, just thought I’d share this. Emetophobia is real, y’all. I sure wish it didn’t exist though!

Do you have any phobias?

The Panic Attack that Started My Downward Spiral

My mental health problems began when I was a teenager. One night I suffered a major panic attack that scared the mess out of me and my mom. I honestly thought I was going to die.

I was trying to fall asleep when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this overwhelming sense of terror just enveloped me. My heart was racing way too fast as if I had just finished running a marathon. My hands began to seize up into fists that I couldn’t pry open.

What was going on? Was I dying? I was scared to death and didn’t know why. Why was this happening to me?

I remember my mom telling me that when she placed her hand over my heart to see how fast my heart was racing it felt like “a herd of horses galloping.” She tried to pry open my fists but to no avail.

She took me to the doctor where he diagnosed it as a severe anxiety attack and prescribed me an anti-anxiety medication. This particular medication, however, INCREASED my panic attacks. I was having them multiple times a day! So I was placed on another medicine which seemed to help.

After suffering from these panic attacks, I fell into a deep depression. I couldn’t understand why I was suffering from these attacks. I was in my senior year of high school.  This was supposed to be the greatest year of my high school career. I was on the verge of becoming an adult!

But no, I enjoyed none of that. Instead, I lost so much weight that my sister and my mom were convinced I had an eating disorder but I didn’t. I just stopped eating because I just wasn’t hungry.  My jeans sagged on me, I retreated to my room most days and kept to myself. I hated life at this point.

And the only thing I can say is that the panic attack is what started my downward spiral. And it gets worse….much worse…..but that’s a story for another day.

Disability Hearing

Well, I had my hearing today to determine whether or not I can get disability. It went fairly well. My lawyer seems to think I have a great case and have a good shot at winning.

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I’ve been so distracted about this hearing and haven’t been able to focus on anything but that.

But now it’s over. And so the waiting game begins……

I discovered a Bible verse last night as I was reading that fit my situation perfectly. It is found in 2 Corinthians 12:9

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

No matter what the decision by the judge, God’s grace is sufficient for me. He will get me through this and He hasn’t left me for one minute. He’s by my side always.

Another verse I found comforting is found in Philippians 3:20-21:

²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

My body may be failing me right now but soon I will have a new body! My citizenship is not here on earth, it’s in Heaven where Jesus awaits me.

 

How is YOUR day going?

 

Be Anxious For Nothing

My friend Stephen over at Fractured Faith Blog posted about being a Christian and struggling with worry. You can read his post here

I commented with this:

I’m the world’s worst worrier. I have this one fear that lately has been choking me and I end up crying myself to sleep over it.
I know the Bible tells us not to worry and I try my best to live by what the Word says but worry and anxiety are so intertwined with my being. It’s a daily struggle but I know the Lord has my back and will get me through this.
I’ve been focusing on Philippians 4:6-7 to get me through this one particular fear: “Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

To worry is to be human. But the Bible clearly tells us not to worry. Its easier said than done, right?

I am struggling with a particular fear that just won’t leave me. No matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, Satan knows its a weakness of mine and ever so slyly will slip this fear into my mind day after day until it consumes me. Until it becomes all I think about.  Until I begin crying myself to sleep, obsessing over it.

So how do I combat it day after day? I focus on Scripture and spend as much time with God as I can. I fight it every single day. It’s a daily fight.

I will always struggle with worry. But I won’t let it defeat me. And neither should you.

When you find yourself worrying….when a particular fear threatens to take over….just call on the Lord. Cry out to him. He longs to take care of us. 

From Panic to Peace

Photo by Dc Lovensky on Unsplash

When I was 17, I started having panic attacks. To this day, I have no idea where they came from. Nothing significant had occurred in my life. They just showed up. Out of nowhere.

 

One night, as I was trying to get to sleep, I had a major panic attack. It was so bad that my hands seized into a fist, my heart was racing super fast and I literally thought I was dying. My mom tried her level best to unclench my fists but she couldn’t. It was miserable. My mom told me later that when she put her hand over my heart, it felt like a heard of horses galloping.

Mom took me to an urgent care where the doctor put me on Xanax, which made my panic attacks worse. So they switched to Klonopin. I was on that for years and for the most part, it kept my panic attacks at bay. I would still have some but they weren’t nearly as bad.

Well, eventually, I had to stop taking the Klonopin because I no longer had insurance and so I couldn’t afford it. I started going to a clinic in my city that helps those who are uninsured and they put me on Lexapro. That stopped working so my doctor put me on Celexa which I am still on. And it works wonders. I still have minor setbacks but they are nowhere NEAR as bad as that one night when I was 17.

But you know what the best medicine is? God’s Word. I find that when I’m feeling even remotely anxious, I just turn to God’s Word and look up Scripture on anxiety.

Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Some people believe that medications are not needed and that just by having enough faith is enough. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe this. When a person has a panic disorder or suffers from depression, there is a chemical imbalance taking place in the brain. In some cases, medication is a necessity, as in my case. I tried to wean myself off my medications once and it was awful.

Photo by Bethany Laird on Unsplash

Some more Scripture you can read if you are feeling anxious:

 

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33-34

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.|
Jeremiah 29:11

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7

 

We live in an anxiety-driven world. But God’s Word promises us that as His children, one day we will live in a peace-filled world! One day He is coming back for us and all of life’s worries will be gone! Can I get an AMEN!

 

Have you ever had a panic attack? What did it feel like to you?

Phobias That Threaten to Stifle

Via Daily Prompt-Stifle

I am claustrophobic. When I have to get an MRI  the doctor prescribes me Ativan or some other sedative to help me relax while in the machine. The MRI’s I must have are of my brain so I also have to have this cage wrapped around my head to keep my head from moving. Talk about feeling panicky! I feel like I’m in a coffin!

I feel stifled when I’m in closed in spaces. I hate elevators. I’m not fond of flying. That horrible feeling that everything is closing in on me tries to overpower me.

Big crowds aren’t a favorite of mine either.

When a room is filled with people I tend to migrate to a corner of the room with eyes on the quickest exit. I have to know where an exit is in case I start feeling too smothered.

I’ve always been like this. Luckily it’s not as bad as it used to be though.

Another phobia that tries to stifle me is my emetophobia, or in other words, a fear of throwing up. Yes, you read that correctly. There is a fear of throwing up and I have that fear. I’ve had it since about the age of 8 after I got violently sick after eating a hot dog. (I still don’t touch them to this day, *shudders*)  But the fear would be so bad that you couldn’t even say the word throw up around me. If you told me you had a stomach-ache I was out of the room in a flash. Anything that had to deal with getting sick completely stifled me. My breathing grew fast, my heart rate accelerated and, ironically, I would grow nauseated which in turn made me freak out even more. It was a never-ending cycle.

I still am emetophobic but it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I can use the words “throw up” “barf”, etc and it doesn’t usually phase me.  I still grow a little uncomfortable when I am around someone who has had the stomach bug. But I don’t dash out of a room. Now if someone actually does throw up in my presence then yeah I still dart out of the room.

I say all that to say this: phobias can stifle a person. But we don’t have to let them. With God all things are possible. With God, He can help us through any fear. We need not fear with Him on our side.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you

1 Peter 5:7

 

Do you have any phobias?