Frustrations….Regrets….Disappointments

I want to be a postive person. Really. I do!  But when so many negative things keep happening it’s hard to find the good in it all!

I don’t want to complain. I really don’t. But right now I don’t know what else to do.  How do I find the good in having so many health problems and no health insurance? How do I find the good in not having the money to pay my medical bills?

Here I am, almost 28 years old and living at home. I can’t afford to live on my own and barely have enough money to help my mom out.

i regret going to college. i do. because i went for the wrong reasons. i think i went to socialize….i didn’t focus like i was supposed to. okay maybe i don’t regret going to college. i regret not fighting harder for scholarships and grants. instead i took the easy way out and took out all these loans thinking i’d have the job/money after i graduated to help pay them back.

i’m frustrated. all my friends are married…some with kids. i’m not worried about the kids part. to be honest, i don’t even think i want kids. i’m just not a kid person. i LOVE kids, don’t get me wrong….but i’m just not a mom figure. and i’m okay with that. i enjoy being the cool aunt/cousin. 🙂

sometimes i think i don’t want to get married. honestly, right now i enjoy being single because i don’t have to answer to anyone other than me. 🙂 and i’m enjoying that freedom…..YET there are nights when i wonder if i will ever meet someone who will sweep me off my feet. i need to make up my mind what i want. do i WANT to be single or do i want to get married??? ahhhh i think something is wrong with me. or maybe i just like the idea of love, not the actual thing…i DON’T KNOW!!!

*sigh* i just don’t know…..

Celebration of a life….

Brother Bert Tippett passed away last night.  He was so many different things to so many different people and he is going to be greatly missed. Heaven gained a wonderful man.

To me…he was a mentor, a friend, a confidant, a God-fearing man, a wonderful, beautiful man who exemplified the life of a strong, faithful Christian. I am going to miss him so much. However, Heaven is rejoicing as he is now up there with them. I am so honored to have known him and can’t wait til the day that I can see him again.

I first met Bert Tippett during my freshman year at FWBBC. He was preaching the Wed night service and I was drawn to his soothing voice and his gentle manner. Later, as I was talking to him, we discovered that we attended the same high school (years apart, of course, lol)  and from then on it was a bond that would never break.

One of the most memorable sermons of his was when he spoke from Psalm 139. There is nowhere we can go that God is not already there. We can’t outrun him, we can’t hide from him….He knew us before we were even created! He knows our thoughts before we speak them….We were created with a purpose in mind. And when Mr. Tippett shared this with us….about how we were here for a purpose….I just broke down because I was tired of lying to myself…I had been trying to run from God and not pay attention to what His plans were for me. I had reached a point where I didn’t think I had a purpose. I didn’t think I was good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough but through Brother Bert’s message, God showed me that I DO have a purpose. I AM here on earth for a reason. He used Brother Bert to remind me of that.

During my sophomore year I was a member of the college choir and we went on tour during spring break. The Tippetts were the “chaperones”  i guess you could say. On that trip I got to know them on a more personal level and was so happy to have found such a loving couple to be able to confide in. I was struggling with insecurity and anxiety during that time and they were nothing but kind and supportive, praying with and for me. When school started back up, I had a card with a poem in my mailbox along with some verses on peace.

That’s the kind of person he was and who Mrs. Dianne is still.

I’m going to miss Bro. Bert, that is for sure. But I will see him again one day…you can count on that!

new position

i actually wrote this entry almost a month ago and forgot that i had saved it as a draft. i had the intentions of coming back and finishing it but of course i forgot…

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so i am now the assistant to the supervisor at Barnes and Noble. i really like it though i had a breakdown the other night because i was so frustrated with all the tasks that have to be done. i just couldn’t seem to get my brain to understand the closing procedures. my brain was just stuck!

i think that once i get the hang of it i will like it a lot better. it’s so much more responsibility than i have ever had in a job. it’s kind of scary and intimidating at times….

i am currently sitting at work. this location is so dead because the majority of students go to the location at the mall. but hey, i get to sit down at this site so that’s a plus!

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no life

i have no life…i have discovered.

i almost never go out. and why is that? because i have no one to hang with! all of my friends are married with kids! and lil ole single me has absolutely nothing to do!

*sigh* i’m very sad about this.

Speak Now

I finally was able to get Taylor Swift’s new CD, Speak Now today. I love it. Call me crazy but her songs are awesome! I haven’t heard a single one that I didn’t like! Makes me want to write songs! lol

I can’t believe Christmas has come and gone! Where in the world did 2010 go?? We just had a HUGE snowfall the other day! I LOVE IT! I haven’t seen this much snow in my life! I’m not exaggerating! I live in Virginia….we just don’t see much snow on the east coast!

been working like crazy lately. i’m so exhausted. i’ve been trying to get back into my writing but i have been in this huge writer’s block for months now. it’s driving me crazy! i WANT to write but the moment i sit down to start writing, NOTHING comes! grrrrr…

like right now for instance….i want to write a blog worth reading but my brain just won’t come up with the ideas! *sigh*

maybe if i just start writing what comes to mind…..hmmm…that could be dangerous. lol

i’m wondering if i’m ever going to truly be successful. i mean, i’m 27 years old with a college degree and i am living at home! what is wrong with this picture??? i keep getting plagued by health problems. from kidney stones to frequent sinus problems to migraines….it’s enough to drive a person insane! when will the craziness end so that i can truly live my life?

 

*sigh*

I think someone or something is out to get me.

why do i say that? because EVERY single time we get a decent snowfall here something happens to where i can’t enjoy it! When I was 12 I had chicken pox….last January I had kidney stones removed. This past Thursday I had to work all day long.

seriously????

all i want is ONE good blizzard. just ONE! i realize that is probably stupid to want but i want to be able to go sledding….to build a decent snowman….and to have a huge snowball fight.

i’m beginning to think i’ll never get to see that happen.

tomorrow is my church’s Christmas program. we have dress rehearsal tonight and honestly? i dont’ want to go. i am not feeling it this year for some reason. i can’t seem to get my head in it.

it has to be an act of Satan. he’s trying to get me to not want to do anything church related. he knows my weaknesses and knows just when to use them.

sick….

well…as usual this time of the year i am sick. i have no voice and a really nasty cough….that hurts. since i don’t have health insurance i get the privilege of treating it myself.

i really wish i knew why i get sick so much. it’s quite frustrating really.

so i thought this entry would be way more interesting but being sick trumps writing today….

It’s time….

I decided it’s time I started writing again. I need some way of getting my feelings out without taking it out on others…lol

however, i don’t have much time right now so my next blog will be more invigorating. 🙂 at least….i hope so.