Posted in anxiety, depression, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders, prayer, worry

An Apology

I would like to apologize to you all who read my posts. I haven’t been writing much lately and it just feels like I’ve lost my desire to write. I want to get it back but I don’t know how to do it.

I have been having issues with my fibromyalgia and not having my Lyrica for several weeks, leaving me in pain. I finally was able to get my medication but it will take a week or two to fully get back in my system.

I want to be completely honest with you: I’m struggling. Spiritually, Mentally, Physically. It’s so hard being a bipolar Christian.

This blog is supposed to be about me telling people about Jesus and lately I haven’t been doing that. I feel like a fraud.

I don’t want to shut down this blog. I want so badly to get back into the swing of things and be the person I was when I first started this blog.

So I’m going to dig deep into Scripture and pray that God will show me what I am supposed to do.

Pray for me, if you don’t mind.

Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Ramblings

Although I will not apologize for being sick (because it makes no sense to apologize for something you have no control over), I will apologize for my rant yesterday. I was angry and upset and just needed to vent.

People have told me to “change my mindset.” I’ll admit, it angered me at first but maybe they’re right. However, changing my mindset doesn’t change the fact I suffer from a chronic illness and need help.

I will do my best to be more positive about my situation. I want to be positive. I really do. It’s just a struggle sometimes.

I don’t understand why I must have fibromyalgia and all these other health problems but I know that God is in control and will help me fight these battles.  Perhaps He’s allowing me to go through this so that I may grow closer to Him, reaching out to Him always. To learn to depend on Him always.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you

I Peter 5:7


My disability hearing is June 27th, at 9:15. I am very, very nervous. Because of my age I’m afraid I won’t receive a favorable outcome. I’m afraid the judge will look at me and figure I’m too young and that there are jobs out there I can do. But….there aren’t.

I can’t work retail anymore because I can’t stand on my feet for long periods of time anymore. And in retail they don’t let you sit down.

I can’t work in an office setting because I can’t sit down for long periods of time either. It’s a constant battle. I sit down for long periods of time and I get stiff. I hurt. My knees get totally stiff. I go to stand up and can barely walk.

I’m constantly tired. I actually take naps almost every day because it helps.  I have to remind myself that it’s NOT laziness. I am resting my body. I know what my body needs.

I have a very hard time focusing on tasks. I get distracted very easily and end up getting up and finding something else to do. Then I get bored with that and move on. It’s a never ending cycle. It’s frustrating. But I’m trying hard to fight through it.

I guess what I’m saying is that I will try to change my attitude. It doesn’t change my situation and my problems but it will help get me through the day. I will rely on God more. I will lean on Him for support and trust in Him that He will get me through this.

A verse I’ve been reading nearly every day is found in Mark 11:24:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer,believe that you have received it and it will be yours

Another verse that has been helping me is found in Psalm 37:4:

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

I’m praying hard for a favorable outcome at my hearing next Wednesday. But no matter what, I’ll keep trusting my Lord.

GOD is in control! He is with me in this storm and He will see me through. I don’t know the future but God does and He knows what’s best for me. I will praise Him in this storm!

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

–Casting Crowns, “Praise You In This Storm

 

Posted in adhd, bipolar, Faith, fear, fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Struggles of a Bipolar Christian

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

I sit here at my laptop and practically beg for the words to come. I want to write something good….something practical….something that will help someone else.

But the words just won’t come. I sit and stare at the blinking cursor and get agitated because the one thing I used to be good at, the one thing I could always count on was my writing. I used to have the ability to sit down and write til my heart was content.

Now it just feels forced.

I’ve always been told to “write what you know.” A problem I have with that is “what do I know??” “How do I know what I know?”

I am my own worst critic. I’ve been having a bit of a relapse with my bipolar disorder so that coupled with the ADHD is causing me to doubt myself.

Please bear with me as I struggle to get through this episode of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

(pity party table for 1?)

Perhaps I AM having a bit of a pity party. I’m sorry, I will try to do better.


I came across this verse in Philippians that really made me stop and think:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble finding the words. I’m trying to write for ME and not God. I know I’ve recently written about this before but I’m still struggling. Struggling with finding the right words.

An open notebook on a wooden surface in front of a laptop
Photo by Nick Morrison on Unsplash

I want my words to mean something to someone. I want my words to bring glory to God.

I want my words to point people to Jesus.

But my mind is all over the place. My mind races constantly and getting words out is a constant struggle. It’s taken me forever just to write this post. I’ve written a little then stopped to do something else, come back and written some more.

Can I ask all of you to please pray for me? I know this post has been all over the place but that’s the trouble with bipolar episodes. My mind races and I flit from one thought to the next in seconds.

This is the struggle of a bipolar Christian.

 

 

 

Posted in bipolar, christianity, Faith, fear, forgiveness, grace, Jesus, love, mental disorders

Being Bipolar

I have suffered from a mental illness since I was 17. I was diagnosed with severe depression/anxiety in my senior year of high school. However, 8 years later I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and after learning about the disorder suddenly I realized I had been bipolar since I was 17. All my erratic behaviors and mood swings totally made sense after the bipolar diagnosis.

It wasn’t long after my initial diagnosis of depression that I became a cutter. I cut because it made the mental pain go away. I cut because in a sick, twisted way it made me feel better. I wasn’t a Christian at this point despite having grown up in church. I was so lost, so out of it. I just didn’t want to live anymore. So I began cutting more and more. But I never got as far as cutting to end my life. But I had the tendencies. So my family placed me in the hospital. I spent a week there and was placed on medication.

I came home. The medication made me numb. I didn’t feel depressed anymore but I didn’t feel happy either. I was a zombie. So they changed my medication. It made things a little better, I guess.

Fast forward to March of 2003. I was home on break from college. I was at church listening to an evangelist speak. And that was the day I gave my life to the Lord. He made a statement that has stayed with me to this very day:

You can be 99% sure (about being saved) but you’re still 100% lost.

I knew immediately that despite my years of church going…despite me attending a Bible college….despite all the head knowledge….I didn’t have the heart knowledge. I was lost. I was a sinner. I needed God’s grace. And so I gave my life to the Lord. Now don’t get me wrong….just because I was now a Christian didn’t mean all my troubles went away…..it doesn’t work like that. But I now had Someone who would always be there and always help me through the problems.

Fast forward to January 2008. I had fallen back into a deep depression. It was miserable. I hated life. I wasn’t where I needed to be with my walk with God. I had backslidden. My feelings were starting to scare me so I decided to check myself into a hospital to get help. It wasn’t easy and I had second thoughts once I got there. I tried to leave but I wasn’t able to.  And I’m glad I didn’t. I got the help I needed and I got the correct diagnosis: I was bipolar. Suddenly it just all made sense.

I was put on a medication specifically for bipolar and then other medications for the depression and anxiety.

What is like to be bipolar? Well for me I get agitated super easily, when I’m having an episode I’ll tend to go on mini shopping sprees with what little money I have. I have a hard time sitting still (I’m ADD as well). My moods will be everywhere. I can be super happy about something and then be triggered and get down very very quickly. Being around me during an episode is not really easy for people. And I don’t blame them. I tend to try to keep to myself when I’m having an episode so I don’t make others miserable.

But I found God again. I got back on track with Him. But then I fell again. And again. Until finally in July of 2017….5 months ago….I fell in love with Jesus. I got on my knees and I prayed to Him and confessed all my problems, all my sins and just laid it down before Him and I finally got serious about God. For the first time since my initial salvation in 2003.

Is it hard being a bipolar Christian? Yes. Yes, it’s extremely hard and I struggle with it every single day. Some days are harder than others. But I know that God is with me. God has my back. God’s got great plans for me.

I just can’t wait to find out what they are!