Posted in adhd, bible verses, bipolar, disability, fibromyalgia, grace, mental disorders, phobias

Disability Hearing

Well, I had my hearing today to determine whether or not I can get disability. It went fairly well. My lawyer seems to think I have a great case and have a good shot at winning.

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I’ve been so distracted about this hearing and haven’t been able to focus on anything but that.

But now it’s over. And so the waiting game begins……

I discovered a Bible verse last night as I was reading that fit my situation perfectly. It is found in 2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

No matter what the decision by the judge, God’s grace is sufficient for me. He will get me through this and He hasn’t left me for one minute. He’s by my side always.

Another verse I found comforting is found in Philippians 3:20-21:

20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

My body may be failing me right now but soon I will have a new body! My citizenship is not here on earth, it’s in Heaven where Jesus awaits me.

 

How is YOUR day going?

 

Posted in bipolar, christianity, Faith, fear, forgiveness, grace, Jesus, love, mental disorders

Being Bipolar

I have suffered from a mental illness since I was 17. I was diagnosed with severe depression/anxiety in my senior year of high school. However, 8 years later I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and after learning about the disorder suddenly I realized I had been bipolar since I was 17. All my erratic behaviors and mood swings totally made sense after the bipolar diagnosis.

It wasn’t long after my initial diagnosis of depression that I became a cutter. I cut because it made the mental pain go away. I cut because in a sick, twisted way it made me feel better. I wasn’t a Christian at this point despite having grown up in church. I was so lost, so out of it. I just didn’t want to live anymore. So I began cutting more and more. But I never got as far as cutting to end my life. But I had the tendencies. So my family placed me in the hospital. I spent a week there and was placed on medication.

I came home. The medication made me numb. I didn’t feel depressed anymore but I didn’t feel happy either. I was a zombie. So they changed my medication. It made things a little better, I guess.

Fast forward to March of 2003. I was home on break from college. I was at church listening to an evangelist speak. And that was the day I gave my life to the Lord. He made a statement that has stayed with me to this very day:

You can be 99% sure (about being saved) but you’re still 100% lost.

I knew immediately that despite my years of church going…despite me attending a Bible college….despite all the head knowledge….I didn’t have the heart knowledge. I was lost. I was a sinner. I needed God’s grace. And so I gave my life to the Lord. Now don’t get me wrong….just because I was now a Christian didn’t mean all my troubles went away…..it doesn’t work like that. But I now had Someone who would always be there and always help me through the problems.

Fast forward to January 2008. I had fallen back into a deep depression. It was miserable. I hated life. I wasn’t where I needed to be with my walk with God. I had backslidden. My feelings were starting to scare me so I decided to check myself into a hospital to get help. It wasn’t easy and I had second thoughts once I got there. I tried to leave but I wasn’t able to.  And I’m glad I didn’t. I got the help I needed and I got the correct diagnosis: I was bipolar. Suddenly it just all made sense.

I was put on a medication specifically for bipolar and then other medications for the depression and anxiety.

What is like to be bipolar? Well for me I get agitated super easily, when I’m having an episode I’ll tend to go on mini shopping sprees with what little money I have. I have a hard time sitting still (I’m ADD as well). My moods will be everywhere. I can be super happy about something and then be triggered and get down very very quickly. Being around me during an episode is not really easy for people. And I don’t blame them. I tend to try to keep to myself when I’m having an episode so I don’t make others miserable.

But I found God again. I got back on track with Him. But then I fell again. And again. Until finally in July of 2017….5 months ago….I fell in love with Jesus. I got on my knees and I prayed to Him and confessed all my problems, all my sins and just laid it down before Him and I finally got serious about God. For the first time since my initial salvation in 2003.

Is it hard being a bipolar Christian? Yes. Yes, it’s extremely hard and I struggle with it every single day. Some days are harder than others. But I know that God is with me. God has my back. God’s got great plans for me.

I just can’t wait to find out what they are!

 

Posted in fibromyalgia, mental disorders

Fibromyalgia 101

Image result for fibromyalgiaImage result for fibromyalgia memes  In December of 2016 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Doctor after doctor kept telling me it was all in my head and that I was just depressed but I kept pressing the matter until finally my new PCP finally believed me and agreed that it was fibromyalgia

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Let me tell you. It’s a frustrating illness to say the least. Most people think that because they can’t “see” the illness then I must be faking to get attention. Other people think I’m just being lazy. It’s hurtful and unfair . I want to bring more awareness to this chronic illness. So  here is a list of some of the many problems people with fibromyalgia face:

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Fibro Fog

Due to “fibro fog”, people with fibromyalgia tend to forget words, even in the middle of talking. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me and it can be quite embarrassing.

I have the worst memory ever. I can forget a conversation I have had with someone only moments later.

 

Pain

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This is a given. Pain is the number one symptom of fibromyalgia. I am 34 but sometimes (okay, all the time….) feel like an 85-year-old getting out of bed! Morning stiffness is the worst. There are days it takes me quite a bit of time just to get out of the bed. Then once my feet hit the floor I’m in pain because my feet ache, my knees are killing me and I just want to crawl back into bed. (I could so easily fall back into my depression because of this but I haven’t yet. Praise the Lord!)

Fatigue

Image result for fibromyalgia memesI am not exaggerating when I say I’m tired ALL THE TIME! It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get….I wake up tired. I go to bed tired. I’m always tired. 

I guess what I want people to know is that fibromyalgia is REAL! It exists and it hurts to hear “Oh you’re just lazy.” “Oh, you just want attention.” And here’s my favorite: “But you don’t LOOK sick!” To which one day I WILL respond “Yeah and you don’t LOOK stupid but here we are….(Okay I probably will never say that…..it’s just not in my nature to be mean like that.)

I never asked for this and I don’t understand why I have to suffer through it but by God’s grace I will keep on moving forward day by day.

Image result for he is my strength and portion

Posted in books, christianity, Faith, grace, Jesus

Divine Direction

A few posts back I mentioned a few books that were on my TBR list. I never finished One Way Love by Tullian Tchividjian. He made some good points but in the end, I just couldn’t finish it. Maybe one day I will revisit it.

I went to LifeWay the other day and came across a new book by Craig Groeschel.(Yes, I know I have plenty of books I need to read….don’t need to be buying any more books. But what can I say? I’m a book junkie)  He’s written quite a few books and I’ve only read The Christian Atheist, which was very good, by the way. Anyways, this book is called Divine Direction and it’s pretty good! He reminds me a lot of Kyle Idleman, another great author.

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Synopsis:

“Master the decisions that will make your life everything God wants it to be.

Every day we make choices. And those choices accumulate and eventually become our life story. What would your life look like if you became an expert at making those choices?

In this inspiring guidebook, New York Times bestselling author Craig Groeschel shows how the choices that are in your power, if aligned with biblical principles, will lead to a life you’ve never imagined.

Divine Direction will help you seek wisdom through seven principles. You’ll consider one thing to stop that’s hindering you; how to start a new habit to re-direct your path; where you should stay committed; and when you should go even if it’s easier to stay. The book also includes criteria that will help you feel confident in the right choice, and encourages you with principles for trusting God with your decisions. 

What story do you want to tell about yourself? God is dedicated to the wonderful plan he’s laid out for you. The achievable and powerful steps in Divine Direction take you there one step at a time, big, or small.

 

I think I have found another favorite author! Like I said earlier, his writing style is very similar to Kyle Idleman’s. They both know how to pull you into what they’re trying to get across.

He is the Senior Pastor of Life.Church, which created the popular Bible App YouVersion. Image result for youversion

What books are you reading these days?

Who are your favorite authors?

 

 

 

Posted in christianity, Faith, Jesus, love, quotes

Being Jesus Online

So yesterday in the mail I received some booklets I had requested from the Discovery Series on various topics. (They’re FREE!)

One of them was: Being Jesus Online, Biblical Wisdom for a Wired World.

The topics discussed in this particular booklet were:

  • What Would Jesus Tweet?
  • The Heart of the Matter
  • Turing on the Right Filters
  • Clicking Share

I’m just going to discuss a couple of them but this topic was very eye-opening and really made me think about the things I post online.

In “What Would Jesus Tweet”, the author shares his thoughts on whether Jesus would have a social media account in today’s age. What would He share? What would He tweet? How would He relate to His “friends” and “followers” and to those who disagreed with Him?

This thinking, in turn, led to thoughts about his own personal tweets, posts and comments. According to Dennis Moles, the author, “If Jesus is the ultimate revelation of God then shouldn’t His actions and attitudes serve as a guide and example for every area of my life–even my use of social media?”

In “Turning on the Right Filters” Moles makes a good point by saying that “not all moments that can be shared should be shared.”

As followers of Christ, we represent Him in everything we say and do…..and share online. Whether we remember it or not, “we are always representing Jesus.” Moles reminds us that just like the first disciples “we have been sent out into the world to spread God’s message of hope and life…..and “because the world sees our lives and doesn’t just hear our words it is our responsibility to think twice before hitting send.”

Moles goes on to say that representing Jesus in digital space is “difficult” “What may be common sense, self-evident, funny or helpful to us, may be frightening, rude, offensive, or confusing to someone else.”

This booklet was really helpful and really opened my eyes. If you want to check this one out and read up on other topics visit the Discovery Series site.

 

Posted in random, Uncategorized

Self involved

I finally admitted to my mom today that I realized I can be self involved. I’ve never opened up like this before and of course the tears started flowing.

I think I’ve known I can be self involved for quite some time now but was just in denial. I mean, c’mon who wants to admit a flaw like this? But God has been working in my heart and has made me realize I need to stop focusing on myself and start focusing on others.

It’s not easy to open up like this. I don’t like feeling like this, feeling vulnerable. I don’t want others to see me like this. But God has spoken to me and it’s time I addressed this flaw.

Hi, my name is Leigh and I am self involved. I think of myself first. I tend to think of others only after I am comfortable myself. Do I mean to do this? No!! I don’t mean to be self involved! I don’t WANT to be self involved. This is going to be hard to overcome at first but by the grace of God I will overcome this flaw.

I only have one request of all of you who read this blog: please pray for me that I can stop focusing on myself and allow God to work in me.

Posted in random

Pet Peeve…

One thing I absolutely cannot tolerate is disrespect.

There is a situation going on in my life right now that I don’t want to discuss but the LEVEL of disrespect shown by this person towards another family member has reached an all time low. And it breaks my heart for this family member being disrespected. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way, not when she has shown nothing but compassion and hospitality.

It triggers my anger to see her treated this way.

I do have an anger problem. I am currently in counseling for it, as a matter of a fact. I realized my need for anger management a few months ago after an explosive situation. It scared me and I knew I needed help.

But I get so angry at certain things and situations in my life. I must learn to control this anger though.

Tonight’s sermon hit me hard.  We have been studying Ephesians for the past few months and tonight’s lesson was on Ephesians 4:25-32. And in verse 26 it says “In your anger do not sin, Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

Now I know that there is what is called “righteous anger.” My question is…..is my anger about the level of disrespect “righteous?” Or am I TOO angry? I already have problems with this person so maybe I’m just using this disrespect issue as another reason to avoid them and want nothing to do with them.

Sometimes I feel like a failure as a Christian. I realize I need to show this person love and compassion but for some reason I just can’t quite seem to jump that hurdle. And it eats me up daily because I know this is not how God would treat this person.  It’s not how I need to be, as a Christian.

Why can’t I seem to let this go?? Guess that’s why I’m in therapy, huh? It’s a Christian therapist so I don’t have to worry about being steered in the wrong direction, this much I know.

I could use a lot of prayer right now so if you think about it stop and say a little prayer for me.

This anger problem is holding me back from truly being the person God created me to be. I know this for sure. And I want to be the person God created me to be. I want to truly be free!

Posted in Uncategorized

Speak Now

I finally was able to get Taylor Swift’s new CD, Speak Now today. I love it. Call me crazy but her songs are awesome! I haven’t heard a single one that I didn’t like! Makes me want to write songs! lol

I can’t believe Christmas has come and gone! Where in the world did 2010 go?? We just had a HUGE snowfall the other day! I LOVE IT! I haven’t seen this much snow in my life! I’m not exaggerating! I live in Virginia….we just don’t see much snow on the east coast!

been working like crazy lately. i’m so exhausted. i’ve been trying to get back into my writing but i have been in this huge writer’s block for months now. it’s driving me crazy! i WANT to write but the moment i sit down to start writing, NOTHING comes! grrrrr…

like right now for instance….i want to write a blog worth reading but my brain just won’t come up with the ideas! *sigh*

maybe if i just start writing what comes to mind…..hmmm…that could be dangerous. lol

i’m wondering if i’m ever going to truly be successful. i mean, i’m 27 years old with a college degree and i am living at home! what is wrong with this picture??? i keep getting plagued by health problems. from kidney stones to frequent sinus problems to migraines….it’s enough to drive a person insane! when will the craziness end so that i can truly live my life?